You Don’t Know Jack

Intro… (12 measures, spoken slowly with minimal to no instrumentation besides cymbal rolls, perhaps follow my scratch vocal as a guide for recording instruments on this part)
Jack Nicholson’s an actor, and Jack Black, he rocks for laughs
Jack Skellington’s the pumpkin king with jolly epitaphs
Bruce Campbell played Jack Stiles, who was the “Jack Of All Trades”
And Jackie Chan did his own stunts while juggling live grenades
(*SFX: explosion*) (P&R laughing)
All of these Jacks beloved, they all go the straight and narrow
But none of these Jacks holds a candle to Captain… Jack… Sparrow!

Jack: Savvy?

Opening Musical Lead-in (4 measures, real song tempo kicks in here)
Jack: Play those drums you pilferin’ percussionist! Pound ‘em lad, pound ‘em!

Verse 1 (16 measures)
The Pirates of the Caribbean sailed the ocean blue
Led by Captain Barbosa and his own skeleton crew
They ransacked old Port Royal and they took a gold doubloon
So that they could break the curse and see their skin under the moon
When Jack had met Will Turner, he knew he was Bootstrap’s son
So he broke out to guide him, like a drunken Obi-Wan
Will Turner saved his girlfriend, and they broke the Aztec curse
And we summarized the whole damn film in just one bleedin’ verse!

Music Fill A (2 measures)
Pintel: Yeah, it got two pegs up!

Chorus 1 (8 measures)
When young Ms. Swann stood by Will’s side, that’s when Norrington knew
Despite he had the Wedding Date, his Coupling days were through
The Pearl hit the horizon, and there was no looking back
If you’ve never seen the movie, then YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!

Music Fill B (4 measures)
Pintel: Don’t bump the mic, I’m bootlegging this song!
Ragetti: Are you going to sell it?
Pintel: Yeah, I’m gonna burn it onto a CD-ARRR!!!

Verse 2 (16 measures)
I frequent the cantinas drinking up between ordeals
But I dislike when cannibals invite me to their meals
Aboard the Flying Dutchman after seeing every griever
I took one look at Davey Jones and said “I’m a believer!”
Meanwhile Will and his leggy lass, became a bride and groom
Decided he would help him ‘elf, and then he lowered the Bloom
He took Elizabeth-to-Town, though it may seem unsightly
Now everyone in Royal knows who does Kiera Knightly!

Music Fill C (2 measures)
Pintel: I’d buy that for a shilling!

Chorus 2 (8 measures)
So come on all, and sing a song about our favorite crook
He’s sure not Finding Neverland, but at least we got a hook
Go walk the plank and take a Depp, and just ignore his plaque
If you think that he’s gone Wonka, then YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!

Music Fill D (4 measures)
Jack: This singing is horrible! What key is this song in?
Ragetti: I dunno, the dog’s got the key!
(*SFX: dog growl: grrrrr*)
Pintel: C’mon boy! Here nice doggie!
Ragetti: (whistles)

Verse 3 (16 measures)
I met a buxom bar wench whose husband was laid to rest
So I decided to help myself to that dead man’s chest
She said, “Back off, you scalawag!”, which was to my dismay
But soon after I taught to her the meaning of “Parlay”!
Once Pintel and Ragetti looked depressed to my surprise
They fancied bawdy poppets who had caught their working eyes
They asked me, “How do you get pleasurable company?”
I just say, “Yo, ho! Yo, ho!” “A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!” ( EVERYBODY)

Music Fill E (2 measures)
Pintel: I’ve got a FastPass for you, lass!

Chorus 3 (8 measures)
From Orlando to Anaheim, he’ll take you for a ride
So you just remain seated, keep your hands and arms inside
Forget the flash photography, and enjoy the attack
Of a hundred lootin’ robots here THAT ALL KNOW JACK!

Music Fill F (2 measures)
Jack: Why is the rum gone?!
Ragetti: Cause we’re in a Disney park!

Chorus 4 (final chorus) (8 measures)
Port Royal to Tortuga, all the scrumpets he will woo
A cross between Keith Richards, and that skunk Pepe LePew!
He’s golden on the silver screen while you enjoy a snack
And if you don’t know the Code, well then YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!
Closing Musical Outro (4 measures)
Ragetti: Forget leverage, I want cleverage!
Jack: Remember, dead men get no tail!
…YOU DON’T KNOW JACK!