Jack Bauer

Jack: The following takes place between track one, and track three
(SFX: clock beeping intro, drum fill, 4 measure opening stanza)
Chorus A:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
Verse 1:
Luke: Espionage in the L.A. scenes
Where most time the ends, they justify the means
And ever since late 2001
You'll see real time flies when you're under the gun
Counter Terrorist Unit agent Jack Bauer
Often needs a shave and probably a shower
Buchanan's the Director of field operations
Almeida is tactical, Michelle's communications
Edgar's an egghead, and Chloe is snarky
And Morris is British and full of melarchy
But I might be wrong, cause they always change stations
Due to sudden promotions or exterminations
But aided by their digital clockin' stanza
They're building up tension when commercials do pass
Never before has right-wing propganda
Disguised as entertainment kicked so much ass!
Come on!
Chorus B:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
The Torture Scene:
Henchman: You can't do this to me! It's illegal!
Jack: Oh, you'd be surprised what kinds of torture my government has legalized
Let's turn on the 13 hour marathon of American Idol auditions!
(SFX: William Hung singing "Fergalicious")
Henchman: No! Stop! You can't do this! Ahhh! Ahhh! No, it's horrible!
Jack: TELL ME! TELL ME WHERE HE IS NOW! TALK, DAMMIT!
Henchman: Okay! Okay! I'll talk! I'll talk!…
Verse 2:
Luke: Top of the hour at the CTU
And Chloe and the crew ain't got much to do
When some Scientologist sleeper cel leader
Hacks into their system with a message to read
Bad Guy: Surrender, America! Make me Arch-Duke
Or I'll blow you all up with my suitcase nuke
Full of nerve gas and virus that turns you six colors
And also you must pay me one billion dollars!
Luke: Suddenly Jack manifests in a blink
Guy 1: I thought you were dead?
Jack: That's what I wanted you to think
Luke: And despite his past insubordinate behavior
They reinstate him like a federal savior
They give him some choppers and tanks and humvees
And a cell phone that detects W.M.D.s
A main frame computer the size of your basement
And a Ford F150 just for product placement
While Jack sets off for some interrogation
The President's appraised of the situation
His advisors are all corporate schills, that's for certain
Like some Army commander named Hal A. Burton
Who insists that to soothe America's own rage
Is to bomb other countries back to the stone age
But President Palmer ignores those demands
Because he knows
Palmer: That's were all states stand
Luke: So while those guys try to remove him from office
We find out the new CTU techie novice
Is really a mole there to knock them off kilter
Who commits sabotage, and removes their spam filter
But when he's discovered he kidnaps Jack's daughter
Who's as easy to nab as a cold glass of water
Mole: If you want her alive you must grant me immunity
And extradite me to my home community!
Do as I say or she will be dead! Aaaah!
(SFX: Smack! Thud!)
Luke: …Jack-boot to the head!
Jack: Now tell me the info to stop your attack
And maybe you'll live with your nuts in tact
Luke: Spills the beans, then Jack and the Marines
Stop the bad guys and their domestic weapon machines
Like a ninja, Jack splits, down the road he'll hitch hike
The only thing that could defeat him is a writer's strike!
Oh no!
Chorus C:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
The Writer's Strike Scene:
(SFX: CTU phone rings twice)
Chloe: Obrien
Jack: Chloe, it's Jack. I need you to upload new dialogue to my PDA stat
Chloe: I'm sorry Jack, we don't have a script yet
Jack: Dammit, Chloe, what am I supposed to say now?
Chloe: I don't know. Why don't you say 'dammit' a few more times?
Jack: Dammit, that isn't going to be good enough!
Chloe: Well you use it in every other line of dialogue. That, and 'son of a bitch'
Jack: Son of a bitch!
Chloe: Told 'ja
Jack: How am I supposed to keep America safe from Communists and hippies
And the concept of tolerance if I don't have any tough-guy things to say?
Chloe: Hold on, I'll see if I can steal some dialogue from the internet
Jack: Thanks Chloe, what would I do without you?
Chloe: Probably get killed about twice an hour
Jack: What?
Chloe: *sigh*, nothing Jack
Chorus D:
Girls: Chloe Obrien. She's always lyin'
To cover Jack's tracks when he's not complyin'
Always pryin' with uber leet spyin'
And she does it all while rolling her eyes and sighin'
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
Verse 3:
Luke: He's Jack Bauer, got skills to spare
Other secret agent types will never compare
Forget Jack Ryan, he's not much of a reader
Don't need an Alias, cause he got La Femme Nikita
He gave Jason Bourne his Burn Notice, it's true
And told Prisoner Number Six
Jack: "Be seeing you"
Luke: Unlike MacGuyver, his tech's not absurd
And he left James Bond both shaken and stirred
You say 'Austin Powers', and he'll just say 'NOT!'
And he makes Maxwell Smart look like Michael Scott
The CSI cops are now outlined in chalk
And Chuck Norris, Texas Ranger, now uses a walker
So if you fear some bad guys who are pissed about our wars
And you think that extremists are all hiding in your drawers
Convinced that you'll fall victim to a terrorist attack
Well then click your box to Fox because you don't know Jack!
Girls: Jack who?
Chorus E:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
The Zero Wing Scene:
Jack: What happen?
Chloe: Somebody set up us the bomb
Jack: Dammit!
Chloe: We get signal
Jack: What?
Chloe: Main screen turn on
Jack: It's you!
Bad Guy: How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us
You are on the way to destruction
Jack: What you say?!
Bad Guy: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha....
Chloe: Jack!
Jack: Son of a bitch!
Chorus F:
Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
(Music cuts out)
Jack Bauer. He got the power
Minute by minute, and hour after hour
He's hard corps, gonna stop the war
And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24
(SFX: End of episode clock sound)