I Love You, TiVo

My long work day ends, I can finally go home
Though I'm tired, that’s okay, cause I won't be alone
Toss my jacket, and my keys, as I enter my place
And the sight of you there puts a smile on my face
Cook some dinner up quick, fade the lights down real soft
Put the house phone on mute, turn the cellular off
All that e-mail can wait, give my laptop the heavo-ho
I approach you and say, in a voice espressivo…
…Iiii love, you, TiVo!
…I love you, TiVo
…TiVo, my darling, you'll always be mine
…Oh, I,… will never leave, no
…My TiVo, you makе T.V. so divine
(You make T.V. so divine.)
If thеre’s something more sublime well I don't know what it is
You let me pause the live T.V. so I can take a whiz
Your Season Passes grab all my programs like no other
You caught all 48 episodes of last summer's "Big Brother"
Your cute colored dots, make suggestions for a fun day
Your instant replay came in handy with Janet on Super Bowl Sunday
Your To Do List, is to please me, no one's happier than we are
'Cause nothing can come between the love of a man and his DVR
Oh, I… …I love you, TiVo
…TiVo, my darling, your remote is so fine
…You recorded the VH-1 special on "Devo"
…My TiVo, you got intelligent design
(You got intelligent design.)
For just 13 bucks every month you will capture the best that my TV has
So I set up a wish list for all of the shows that are starring Cameron Diaz
I'll tell the whole world, 'I give her three thumbs up, oh no, I would never spurn her
Unless I upgraded to get the new model that has a DVD burner.'
Oh, TiVo. I know sometimes things aren’t perfect between us
Like the time I went away for a week on business and when I
Got back the only show you had recorded for me was "House"
Well, I was so mad at you that I almost threw you in the
Recycling bin and left you for downloads on Bittorrent
But when I picked up the phone and there was no dialtone
I discovered that the line had been cut by squirrels chewing
On the poles outside, preventing you from making your daily
Programming call. Well soon on the front lawn, the repairman
Fixed the coveted land line, and I planted walnut-covered
Land mines, and I knew after that nothing would ever come
Between us again. I apologized to you and made it up to you
By dusting you ever so gently with Lemon Pledge and a shami
Cloth. Then we snuggled ever so close and watched that
Half-crippled snarky doctor make light of his patient’s
Debilitating fatal diseases. And at that moment, I looked
Deep into you beautiful green LED light, and I knew I would
Never let you go. Oh, my TiVo, this is my message to you
You gotta believe me when I say...
-Iiiiiiiiii… I love you Ti-ee-hee-Vooooo!
TiVo my darling, you'll always be mi-I-I-ine
Oh, Iiiiiii… will never leave, No
My TiVo,…
…uh, switch to channel nine
(Switch, to, chan-, -nel, niiiiiine!)
Gotta see "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit"!