Throwing Away Neil’s Paycheck

Why were Janis Joplin's parents so proud of her?

Well, because the Los Angeles County coroner informed them that she died "o' heroin". (a heroine)

[silence]

And why did God invent the Paris Hilton sex videotape?

Well, so that the mentally retarded would have something to masturbate to! [chuckles]

[silence]

[clears throat]

And why did the Sanders girls, Colonel Sanders' daughters, absolutely refuse to eat KFC's extra crispy fried chicken?

Well, it, uh, it brought back too many bad memories of their late father's foreskin.

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'Yeah, Neil was good value. It cost much less to have him here than the other local amateur comedians, but... keep in mind, this is a family restaurant, and sometimes Neil crossed the line with some of his material.'

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Uh, why is it that the bathroom here is always so dirty?

[applause & adult's/children's laughter]

Isn't it though? I mean, don't they ever clean the toilet? I'm sorry, but, uh, it's just not enough to spray the inside of the toilet bowl once a week with Right Guard. No. Really! I mean, who would want to eat a slice of pizza sitting on that? [chuckles]

[applause]

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Yeah, Di Pre- Di Presa's was my main gig for many years. The thing is that my, uh, my wife... m- my, uh, ex-wife... used to hate this place. I would get paid originally in pizza and so I would, uh, bring them home and sh- and she would throw them out the next morning while I was still asleep. Yeah! I guarantee you if most men came home with their paycheck and their wife threw it in the trash the minute they turned their head, well, uh... well, that just wouldn't happen. [chuckles] But it did happen to me.