Bad Reviews

'Leeroy didn't work out.

Eventually, Neil came back. It didn't take long before the American public got tired of him and there were no more TV shows for Neil Hamburger and his albums weren't selling and the critics gave him bad reviews and all his big plans were over... so he came back to us.'

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Yeah, maybe I got a couple of bad reviews. Who doesn't? Hey, look at Ringo Starr's press clippings sometime. [chuckles] I'll tell you someone else who got some really lousy reviews was Di Presa's Pizza House! Pricks!

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I'm a food critic for the local hometown paper here. But before I landed this job, I was a mortician for 31 years and I can tell you for a fact, the garlic butter they use on the garlic bread at Di Presa's; it has the exact same smell that you would find when you release the air pockets that collect in the lungs of a corpse that's been dead for 72 hours.

And also, the, uh, the last couple of Neil Hamburger records weren't very good.

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Yeah, well, fuck you too. [chuckles]

[sigh] The thing to remember was when I made those records, I was, uh, going through a very tough divorce. That makes it harder.

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I lived next door to Neil and his wife for many years. I remember one time in particular, his wife was so upset at him because he forgot to get their daughter anything for Christmas.

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Now, that's not true. I bought my daughter a kitten for Christmas that year. It was supposed to be a big surprise. But it died on December 18th.

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His wife used to complain to me all the time that he would come home late at night and his hair would smell of pizza and he'd have tomato sauce on his collar. A woman can only put up with so much!

Eventually, Neil stopped coming home and started living out of a storage locker.