Three Dates With Marvin and Whizzer: A True Story

[CORDELIA]
Three dates with Marvin and Whizzer - a true story

[WHIZZER]
Hello

[MARVIN]
Hello

[WHIZZER]
Marvin?

[MARVIN]
Yep
How are you?

[WHIZZER]
It’s been a long time

[MARVIN]
As you probably know, Jason is getting bar mitzvah’d
And he wants you to be a special person on that day
What do you say, Whizzer?
Do it for the kid, Whizzer
Anything I did, Whizzer
Throw it away
Throw it away

Are you still there?

[WHIZZER]
I’m right here, can--

[MARVIN]
Can I maybe see you?

[WHIZZER]
I am still here and breathing
I can’t forget when it was bad

[MARVIN]
Let me try to put it right

[WHIZZER]
When?

[MARVIN]
How about-

[WHIZZER]
WHEN

[MARVIN]
How about-
I’ll pick you up in two hours!

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight!

[COREDELIA]
Not so dressy

[CHARLOTTE]
Please don’t quote this

[BOTH]
We can’t stand your trying

[CORDELIA]
Here’s your last chance for happiness!

[CHARLOTTE]
Oh, but he’ll kill you
He’ll kill you

[CORDELIA]
All you have to do is
Be nice

[CHARLOTTE]
Kill you

[CORDELIA]
Be nice

[CHARLOTTE]
Kill you

[CORDELIA]
Be nice

[CHARLOTTE]
Kill you

[CORDELIA]
Be nice

[CHARLOTTE]
Kill you

[WHIZZER]
Life is funny, a-ha funny
Life plays on, it's a-ha funny jokes

After all, things might turn out okay
I’m glad Marvin’s so agreeable
'cause he’ll have to pay
What he did to me
I recall it like
Yes-ter-day

[JASON, spoken]
The first date, at the ballpark

[MARVIN]
Are you sure this is where you wanna come?

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Oh, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light

[They jeer at the game]

[MARVIN]
After he left hm, well
After I kicked him out
Life was like sauerkraut:
Good if you put it on a hotdog
Hell, I want
More than just a hotdog
I want more
Life’s a bore without him

[WHIZZER]
I want the underdog to win

[MARVIN]
That’s not our team, just keep quiet

[WHIZZER]
Well, then go ‘other team’

[?] Other team

[MARVIN]
Stop it
Stop it
Why are people hitting us
Why are people hitting us
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it
Stop it

[CORDELIA]
They’re on their second date
First one went so great
They thought they’d try another

[CHARLOTTE]
Hey, sorry that we’re late
But we’re here

[ALL]
Oh, say can you-

[UMPIRE]
Play ball

[MARVIN]
He’s makin’ me pay
But hey no big deal

[LESBIANS]
Hiya Will, now Hiya Sue...
Okay, no big deal
You’re with us and we’re with you
That’s what matters

[ALL]
That’s what matters
That’s what matters
Life is funny, a-ha funny
Life plays on, its haha funny jokes

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
God, it's great to
Be back with these folks

[LESBIANS]
It feels nice to be escorted
By these funny men

[ALL]
We’re double-dating homosexuals
Once again

[JASON, spoken]
The third date

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Who’d believe
We’d be here, nude, in bed

[MARVIN]
Nude instead
Of at each other’s throats

[WHIZZER]
Wearing suits and overcoats

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Life is funny, haha funny

[MENDEL, spoken]
Oh no, oh no-
Trina, TRINA

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Life is goody, rooty tooty

[MENDEL]
Trina, I can’t jump! I can’t jump!

[MARVIN & WHIZZER, laughing in the background]

[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Life is really quite ridiculous

[MENDEL]
Where’s my joie de vivre?