The Shoe Salesman

Two days before Christmas went down south to go shoplifting, I mean, shopping
I was in a shoe store and a big fat lady came in the shoe store, and she pulled up a couple of chairs and sat down
I've never seen—see, this thing that happened, I saw the fat lady smack a shoe salesman
Even as I stand here and think of the sound her hand made when it met the meat on his jaw, I just quiver
Wow! I've never seen hands for—she—her hand looked like 95 pounds of spare ribs—and you know that's a mess of pork
See, the reason this thing happened, she smacked the salesman was all an innocent mistake
See, the salesman tied-tongued, and this lady didn't know that the salesman was tied-tongued
And she sat down, like I told you, to try on new shoes, high, pointy, and she didn't have the feet for it
And she sat down there and asked—this salesman wanted to help her, and when she sat down, he kneeled down to give her a hand, a little assistance
And tied-tongued like he was, he kneeled down, he looked up at the lady and said, "What thighs"

Confucius, Eli Whitney, and MacArthur all had great minds
Eli Whitney's famous last words were, "Get yo' cotton pickin', gravy lickin' hands off my gin!"
And Joe Louis' famous last words were, "Ah-ba-ba-uh-buh-buh-buh"