The Party-Hollywood Playboy

I was at a party tonight, good party, a really good party, wasn't lousy
If the oysters had been as cold as the soup, and the soup had been as warm as the wine, and the wine had been as old as the chicken, and the chicken had been as young as the maid, and the maid had been as willing as the hostess, well, I'da had a party
Well, friends, do I have any requests? How about this big party here—anyone have a favorite number?
I usually play piano, but I won't be able to play tonight
You know, I live over near Wrigley Field, and Steve Bilko hit his 34th home run last year through my bedroom window
And hit my old lady right here, right in her lap, had to throw her financial early, woulda broke my back, and my hand
Yeah, broke three of my fingers, these three—wasn't I lucky?
Yeah, this woulda killed me on the Fourth of July picnic
The first time I ever had one in a cast
Oh, the number tomorrow, by the way, write this down, 631—no, 251
Write that down on a small piece of paper, if you play the numbers
Put it in your mouth and chew it about 15, 20 minutes and swallow it
If it don't come out tomorrow, look for it Friday—I hope you got a dollar on it
You don't play the pick at all? I'm out to the race track, I'm always out there
Bumped into a girl I hadn't seen since, let me see
I was out to the hospital today, a lotta people out there, friends
You oughta go and just see how lucky you are, not being hit by a truck
In fact, the insurance rate in California has dropped to a low
In fact, if you wanted to collect insurance from an automobile accident in California, you have to be riding in an ambulance when it's hit by a train
Otherwise, you're messed up with a capital F
I used to go to school Norfolk, and all the girls used to sing, big colleges have songs they sing
"Boola boola, boola boola" or "To the tables down at Maury's and the place where Louis dwelled"
But in Norfolk, all the girls used to sing our song, used to sing
"We don't drink, we don't smoke, Norfolk, Norfolk"
At least I never saw none of 'em smoking
All the fellas graduated with corns in their right hand—all except the southpaws
And you know what the famous last words of General Custer, he said, "Damn, I, I, I ain't never seen this many Indians!"
And the famous last words of General MacArthur: "Well, Wainwright, I'll be seeing you"
That could be dangerous—he was making love to his lady and he whispered to her, and said
"My idea of love is peace, quiet, and tranquility"
She said, "Hell, that ain't no love, that's sleep"
The guy's wife died and they had the funeral, and the pallbearers were bringing her out the chapel
And one of the pallbearers stumbled, and bumped into a post
And he heard a noise inside the coffin and the shock had woke the old lady up
And she lived three days after that, but then finally she really did split
And they were bringing her out the church again, out the chapel
And the husband was following the casket this time, and he looked at the pallbearers, he says
"Alright, you guys, now watch it, watch that post this time"
I want to tell you about Alaska, I was on an Alaska call
It was in the treetop, saw Hoogoose the Moose
I just wanna go back, wanna tell you about the time when I was born
It was really one of those shocking things for my folks because they really were surprised to find out that I was a boy
What they wanted was a divorce
Of course, you heard the beautiful tune, it's number one on hit parade now down in Long Beach
When your hair has turned to silver, you have the richest head in town