The Hep Parrot-Famous Men

I went to Birdland while I was in New York and heard the story about one of those real hip chicks on Broadway
And she went down to the pet shop one day and bought her one of those real crazy parrots
And she took the bird home of the day, she tried to get the parrot to say something but nothing happened
Two weeks passed and the bird hadn't said nothin', wouldn't eat good, wouldn't speak, wouldn't move, wouldn't move from where he was sitting
And this chick went down to Birdland another night and she invited Erroll Garner up to her house
And Erroll walked over to the piano soon as he got inside this crazy crib, and he sat down and start fooling around with "Penthouse Serenade"
And this parrot heard "Penthouse Serenade" and jumped off his perch and flew over to the piano
And Erroll looked up, and this chick ran over, she said, "This parrot must be fixin' to say something," she said, "Maybe he's gon' talk"
She said, "Say something, parrot, say something"
He said, "Why don't you cool? Blow, Erroll"
I like to make this in direction because outside is a motorcycle, it's in the driveway, it's license number 50110320ORN-dash-F23998150179853297269699711038
And I'd politely ask you to please move that motorcycle, your license is blocking Central
I haven't been feeling too good lately
So I went to the doctor, he told me I had to give up liquor or women
So I guess I give up liquor because I can drink after I get much older
Two girls on the couch talking, they were really feeling good
One of 'em said, "I'll sure be glad when tomorrow comes because I'm seeing my lawyer, I'm divorcing the meanest, raggediest, cheapest, fussinest, arguinist, ugliest man in New York
And the other girl looked at her, said, "Now tell me how you gon' divorce my husband?"
My dear uncle, he used to drink Napoleon brandy all the time
And every time you'd see him he'd have a big tin can full of Napoleon brandy—he liked it out the can
And he got drunk and was disturbing the peace, and the police came over and tried to quiet him down, order was restored
And my uncle was drunk, he put his hand in his coat like Napoleon, and cops thought he was drawing a gun
Shot him right in his left breast pocket
I saw a big fat guy in New York, I think this guy he must've weighed 4, maybe 5, 4 or 5, 4 feet, 4 foot—is it 4 foot or 5 feet?
Well, he was short, he was just round, he was the biggest guy
If he had a stomachache, he woulda ached all over