The Racial Hotseat

Tough time for the blacks. These are not good times for the blacks. You know what I’m talking about, right? Police are killing us again. It’s a very unfortunate set of circumstances, because we were doing very well. You know, America has a racial hot seat. I think we can all agree that’s the truth. And we can also agree that that hot seat is traditionally occupied by African-Americans in general, African-American men in particular. Although, I can see that, in recent years, that seat has been occupied by Mexicans… and I daresay Arabs. And we, the black Americans, would like to thank you both for your sacrifice and your struggle. We needed a break. We needed a goddamn break. We all go through something, but at least I can leave my backpack someplace. If you’re Arab and forget a backpack, you got about 20 minutes before they send that robot to blow your shit up. You can kiss all that Engineering homework good-bye, Fouhad.

Now ISIS is number one on the terrorist charts. And ISIS is fucking scary. ‘Cause if ISIS catches you, they’re going to cut your head off. That’s what they do. I’ve seen them do it on YouTube. It was fucking awful. He looked right into the camera and said, “Obama, I am back.” [swish] I saw that shit, I said, “Oh, my God. Don’t like.” How is this guy cutting people’s heads off on YouTube? I can’t even post a dick pic, and this motherfucker is decapitating people. I’m gonna have to change my settings. You know, everyone has it hard. But I think, harder than black people and harder than Arabs and Mexicans, you know who has it the worst? Fat black people. It’s hard for white people to understand, but what I’m saying is very true. Fat black people have a really rough road, because all manner of things kill white people. But you know what kills more black people than anything, more than police and terrorism? Salt, nigga. Regular-ass table salt. Here, white people are getting Ebola cures and shit, and meanwhile, I’m dying from fucking flavoring.