Kevin Hart

You guys are young. Imagine if you found out 40 years from now that Kevin Hart raped 54 people. You'd be like, “Oh, my God.” The only one that would believe that would be Katt Williams. He’d be like, “I knew that motherfucker was up to something! I knew Kevin had raped those people.” You know, I was mad at Kevin, too, though. You know why? Okay, first of all, I didn't even know Kevin was as successful as he was. I found that shit out the hard way. I was at home when my son busted in. He said, “Dad, I need $250.” He's only years old, so I freaked out. “What’s going on, nigga? Is somebody trying to kill you?”

He said, “No, no. Kevin Hart's coming to town, and I wanted to see his show.” I said, “How much are the tickets?” He said, “They're $125.” I said, “God damn! Mine are only 80.” I said, “Why do you need $250, then?” He goes, “Because I want to go with you, Dad. Please? And there it is. So, I took him to the show. And we go, we sit right up front. The lights go down, and one opening act after another goes on. Then Kevin takes the stage. The crowd goes fucking nuts. Thousands of people. I was furious. The longer the show went on, the madder I got.

Because his show was fucking outstanding. It was maddening. These people were fucking holding their stomachs. My son was slapping his knee. I'm like, “Damn, nigga, I do this, too.” Kevin says, “Good night.” The crowd goes crazy. And then everyone starts walking to his door, and the lights come on, and then my son is just standing there, looking at an empty stage. People are pushing past me, and nobody's recognizing me. I'm like, “Man, this place fucking sucks!” I said, “Come on, son, let's get out of here.” Then my son looks back at me and says, “Dad, please. Please, I have to meet him.” I was like, “Oh, my God.” So, I took him backstage. I've known Kevin for years, but can you believe I was scared to knock on his dressing room door? I almost said… “Son, I haven’t seen him for a long time.” And one of Kevin’s goons opened the door.

“Hey, what's up, Dave Chappelle? What are you doing, man? It’s good to see you, brother. What are you doing in this area? This is a terrible area.” I'm like, “Actually, I live around here. Listen… is Kevin here? My son just wanted to meet him real quick.” “I don't know, 'cause Kevin’s about to eat dinner.” Just then, Kevin came around the corner to see who it was. “What? Oh, shit! What's up, Dave? Come on back. I was just about to have dinner. I don't know if you guys ate, but you're welcome to join me if you'd like.” And then my son pushed passed me. It was some cold shit. He goes, “Actually, Mr. Hart, we haven't eaten in several hours.” Man, Kevin took us into his back room. This guy had a fucking spread. It was Tuesday night.

This motherfucker was having Sunday dinner. There were steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it. My son was eating all fast, embarrassing me. I was like, “Slow down, son.” He was like… Then I looked over in the corner, and there was a box of custom-made jerseys for the local team. Each one was hand-stitched, and on the back, they stitched on “K-Hart” on all of them. Kevin saw me staring at that box, and he went over and grabbed one of them jerseys, and he walked right to my son. He said, “Hey, little man. I want you to have this.” And my son was like, “Thanks, Mr. Hart.” This is when I got mad. He goes, “If your father ever makes you mad, put that on.” And he walked out. Oh, that was some cold shit. Then I realized– I looked up what Kevin made on Google. I couldn't believe that shit. Kevin is the first comedian that a Drake song could be about. Kevin could walk around his house and sing “All Me,” and the whole song would still be true.

Got everything, I got everything
I cannot complain, I cannot
I don't even know how much I really made, I forgot, it's a lot
Fuck that, never mind what I got
And his wife will be like, “Kevin, come to bed!”
He'll be like "Ho, shut the fuck up! I got way too much!”

You know how much money you have to have to tell a girl to shut the fuck up? I have “Quiet, please” money at best. I'd have to take a loan out for “Shut the fuck up.” “Shut the fuck up–” That's Jay Z money. And Beyoncé got “No, you shut the fuck up” money.

Let's not forget. Let's not forget. I've never met Bill Cosby, so I'm not defending him. Let's just remember that he has a valuable legacy that I can't just throw away. I remember that he's the first black man to ever win an Emmy in television. I also remember that he's the first guy to make a cartoon