Deep Water

Some people just can’t get over themselves. Gay people have a hard time doing that recently. Here we go.

Here comes the deep water.

No, recently I’ve noticed that. I noticed it with that Manny Pacquiao controversy. Yeah, it was– Now, in the gay community’s defense, Manny Pacquiao said some outlandish shit about gay people, very not nice things that I won’t repeat, but there was biblical verses and some analogies to animals. It wasn’t a good look. Nike took his shoes immediately. Which I thought was a little harsh. A little harsh, you know what I mean? Just ’cause he’s Asian. You know what I mean? How the fuck are you gonna take the shoes off an Asian dude to appease a gay dude? You know what I mean? No? You don’t know what I mean. But Asian people kind of know what I mean. No? No Asians in the front? No? No, this is what I mean. Look, you’re an Asian dude– I say this with no disrespect.

We’re all Americans, right? And we can agree that America has a huge body count all over the world, but nowhere more than Asia. Literally, if you look at history, recently, we have bombed the masculinity out of an entire continent. We dropped two atomic bombs on fucking Japan, and they’ve been drawing Hello Kitty and shit ever since. There’s a lot of lady-boys in the wake of our bombs. And I know these things because my wife is Asian.

She’s Filipino. All right, okay. So, that explains it. Now you know why you see me at all those Filipino events. I’m not there picking up pussy. I’m dropping some off. I take my wife to all that shit. I took my wife to see Pacquiao fight Mayweather. We sat ringside, okay? That– Yeah, that was a quiet car ride home, that’s what that was.

But if you know what’s popping in the Philippines, you know that they got a whole generation of kids in the Philippines growing up without their mothers. Yes. A lot of women in the Philippines go to the Arabian Peninsula, they come to the United States, they make all their money here, they send all that money back home, which is still one of the number-one staples in the Philippines’ economy– money that the expats send back to the Philippines. The men, on the other hand, are left rearing children, twiddling their thumbs, waiting on their wives’ checks. These men have been fucking emasculated.

And then suddenly, a boxer rises from amongst them and reinstates their manhood with his motherfucking fist. This is not the guy you’re supposed to ask, “What do you think of homosexuals?” He’s not your champ.

Shit. That’s why I don’t have a sneaker deal, ’cause if you say something that people don’t like, they’ll take your fucking shoes off.

If Martin Luther King had a sneaker deal, we’d still be on the back of the bus. It’s true. The Nike exec would come up– “Hi, Martin. Uh… we need you to tone down the talk of civil rights and blacks being humans. It’s upsetting our Southern distributors.” “But I don’t understand. I thought that’s why I had a sneaker deal in the first place.” “Not quite. Really, it’s a walking shoe. And we like the marching, but… Try to understand.”

Fuck that shit.

You know, I get it, though. I understand why gay people are mad, and I empathize. You know what? I’m just telling you this as a black dude. I support your movement. But if you want to take some advice from a Negro, pace yourself. These things take a while. J

ust ’cause they passed the law doesn’t mean they’re gonna like it. Brown v. Board of Education was in. Somebody called me a nigger in traffic last Wednesday. It takes a minute.

My wife’s friend Stewart told me that. My wife has a lot of gay friends. Stewart’s their leader. She has a lot of gay friends. And I don’t like ’em. Not ’cause they’re gay. I’m just judging them on the merits of their character. They’re just not nice dudes. They’re fucking rude houseguests. They’re sitting on my couch, giggling with my wife, eating my motherfucking macaroons.

Then I come in, and they act like the party’s over. “Hey, Stewart. What’s going on?” This guy talks to me the way a cat would speak if a cat could talk. “Hi, David.” “Stewart, what’s all the beef, man? What’s going–” He always wants to have some kind of gay political argument. The last one was about a petition in federal court to take the words “husband and wife” out of the law. I said, “Why would you want those words out of the law?” He said, “Because it discriminates against same-sex couples.” I was like, “Niggas, please, save me the semantics. Just trust me. Take your chips and get the fuck out of the casino. You’re about to crap out! Just go outside, talk that over amongst yourselves, and whichever one of you is gayer, that’s the wife.” No, no. Stewart didn’t like that. Stewart educates me about this movement. I didn’t even know shit about it. He told me it’s called “LBGTQ!” I was like, “What the fuck is the ‘Q’?” Does that even make sense? “Q”? Turns out “Q” is like the vowels. That shit is sometimes “Y.” It’s for gay dudes that don’t really know they’re gay. Like prison fags who are like, “What? I’m not gay, nigga. I’m just sucking these dicks to pass the time. I’m not ‘G.’ I’m ‘Q.’ Ugh.” I think– Okay, again, of all those letters, the “T” has the toughest road ahead. In fact, I think the “T” should stand for “Tough road ahead.”

They’ve got the longest mental gap to bridge. That’s all I’m saying. Because whenever I see one of them Ts on the street, I don’t mind them, but I’ll be like, “Man, I miss Bruce.” I’m sorry, guys. I’m 42. I remember Bruce Jenner. Before the Kardashians, before all that, this motherfucker was a white American superhero. It was amazing. He was beating Africans at track and field. We’d never seen anything like it. He was on my cereal box growing up. You know how much of that cereal I ate? Nigga, I didn’t know he was gonna do that. I knew before you guys knew.

I heard things on the street in Hollywood. You’d just be out, see people. “Hey, what’s up, Kanye? Why the long face?” “Nigga, you’ll see. I got two mother-in-laws now.” And when I heard he was gonna do it, I was scared. I didn’t think the public was ready. I didn’t think the media was ready. And you know what? I was wrong. Not only did the public embrace him, but the media was nice. I’d never seen anything like it. “Welcome to the world, Caitlyn. So long, Bruce. Hello, Caitlyn.” I was shocked! Is this happening?

Wait a minute. Is this a time in American history where an American can make a decision for themselves, and even though other Americans don’t understand it, they’ll support it and let this person live a happy life? Is this what’s happening? If it is, then good for America. That’s Dave Chappelle, the American. Although, Dave Chappelle, the black American, he was a little jealous. I was like, “How the fuck are transgender people beating black people in the discrimination Olympics?” If the police shot half as many transgenders as they did niggas last year, there’d be a fucking war in LA.

I know black dudes in Brooklyn– hard street motherfuckers– that wear high heels just to feel safe. Transgenders are gangsters. I used to do business with a transgender in Hollywood. Man, everybody would be scared of her in the boardroom. She’d walk in there, newly-minted woman, high heels, purse. Wouldn’t say anything to us, just walk around the conference table, looking mean and shit. Then she’d walk to the head of the conference table, stare at us all, reach in her purse, pull her old dick out and throw it on the table. “Let’s talk business, gentlemen.” “Aaah!”

Shit is scary as fuck. If your best friend pitched that to you, you’d be horrified. “Yo, nigga, let’s go to the hospital and cut our dicks off and make pussies out of them shits.” “What?! Can’t we just get matching jackets or tattoos or something? You sure that’s what you want to do?” “There’s only way to find out, nigga. Wu-Tang! Pow! Pow! Let’s go to the club and trick niggas into fucking us. Yeah.”