Kids (Deep In The Heart Of Texas)

We spend the most time together. It’s not that me and my wife don’t spend time together, but we’ve been married so long, we don’t talk like— I don’t know if anyone’s married here, but after ten years, all that chatty shit goes away. You’ve said it all. You know what I mean. Yeah. We’re just in the zone. She says the same shit to me every night before she goes to bed. I’ll be the last one up. She’s like, “I’m gonna get some sleep, Dave. Good night.” “All right, babe. I’m gonna stay up and watch television. Good night.” Then she’ll walk halfway up the steps. “David?” “Hmm?” “Don’t eat the kids’ lunch.” And then she walks away. Well, the crazy shit is, I don’t even eat their lunch anymore. Back in the day, I used to eat that shit. You know how that goes. Now I might smoke some weed in the middle of the night, and she’ll leave neatly-wrapped sandwiches all over the kitchen. I’m gonna eat it. What’s the big deal? Why can’t she just make another one in the morning? I mean, I got sons anyway. And sons love everything their dads do. My kids will be at school the next day like, “Oh, Dad bit my sandwich. Oh, shit!” Their dad is Dave Chappelle, man. You could trade that sandwich for something better. What I’m doing is adding value to their lunch. But she doesn’t understand these types of things.

Anyway, she gets mad at me. She’s mad at me now ’cause I got myself in trouble. I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I don’t know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside with a note written on it that said, “Gotcha.” Oh, my God. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadn’t seen a tape in over a decade. And I watched the tape, and it was awful. They got me. It was a tape of me— I was fucking a girl, okay? But it was from before I was married. But it was not a good look. And I felt sick to my stomach, and I looked up at the clock, and then I saw my wife was coming home in ten minutes, and I just panicked. I jerked off to the tape real fast, and then— and then I called the FBI. Who, by the way, made me feel much better. They didn’t say they were gonna catch ’em for sure, but they had the demeanor of some confident people that would catch ’em. So, I didn’t worry about it too much. And then, not even a week later, five days later, I come home, and there’s another videocassette sitting on my porch. As soon as I saw it, I just called the police. “They’ve done it again. You should probably look for a guy with bell-bottoms on, because I don’t know who the fuck is sending tapes!” And that second tape was the worst shit I’d ever seen in my life. It was awful. Career-ending bad. It was a tape of me… jerking off to the tape a week earlier. I don’t even know how they’d even get such a thing. I had to explain all of this to my wife. She was very mad. No thing in this world is as cold as a woman’s cold shoulder, ’cause she was mad, but she wouldn’t talk to me about it. She would just punish me in little ways, make me do shit that I hate to do. Like pick the kids up from school. That’s one thing she made me do. That’s a hardship for me. I got one son that goes to a public school. And… his little brother goes to a private school. It’s an experiment. I just want to see what’s gonna happen to them. But what’s weird is, my little son in private school, he’s, like, my thuggy son, you know what I mean? I don’t know where he gets that from. He’s not getting it from me. And he’s definitely not getting it from that school. That school is very— It’s a liberal school. It’s the kind of school— there might be, like, 12 black students in the entire school, and I’m the only black parent. And none of the parents like me, either. Not ’cause I’m black, but they don’t like how I roll. I’ll be showing up late all the time, and I’m, like, in a Porsche, and I’m blasting music that they don’t like. ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ Then I pull into the parking lot. I might be smoking a cigarette with the kids in the car. Then I pull into that handicapped space. And when I get out of the handicapped space, they always want to say some passive-aggressive shit. “Morning, Dave. Don’t know if you noticed, but you actually parked in the handicapped space.” “Yeah, you know, Frank, I did notice. But who is this handicapped guy we’re all waiting on that never shows up?” So, I hate going over to that school. The only parents that are nice to me is a lesbian couple— Kate and Sarah. Actually, Kate hates my guts. Sarah knows that I’m black, and she’s half-black, so she just understands me. You know what I’m saying? I can’t explain it. Because I’ll say shit, and Kate’s just too serious about being a lesbian. I’ll be like, “Hey, Kate. Hey, Sarah. You guys going to the father-son picnic next week? How’s that gonna work?” And Kate will instantly be furious. But Sarah knows I’m fucking around, so she’ll just say something cool. “I don’t know, Dave. Maybe me and Kate will flip for that shit.” I said, “Bitch, you better save that coin toss, because everybody knows you’re strapping on in that household.” And then Kate will turn bright red, but Sarah just fist-bumps me, like, “You’re right, nigga. It’s me. Bop.” We’re good friends. We’re good friends. They invite me to stuff. They’re my only friends at the school. So, imagine my surprise when I go to pick my son up after all this happens. And the teacher is waiting outside for me. She’s just standing right there in the middle of the handicapped space. I knew something was wrong, so I rolled the window down. “What’s going on?” “Hi, David. Can we talk to you for a minute in the office?” I said, “No, fuck that. We gotta talk right here. What’s going on?” I knew it was bad. “Ibrahim had a fight.” I said, “A fight?” “Don’t worry. Everyone’s okay.” I said, “Everyone? What happened?” “Well, that’s it. We don’t know what happened because he won’t talk to anybody. All we know is that he punched Sarah Jr. in the face.” I said, “Oh, no!” Sarah’s one of the only parents I’m not sure I can beat up in this school. Just then, Kate and Sarah pulled up to pick up their daughter, and then we all had to go into the office, and I was really worried ’cause I didn’t want them to kick me out of the school. And then they brought my son in. He was crying. They brought him in like a prisoner. He was like, “Ohh! Oh!” I said, “Son, stop crying, calm down. Do not look at these mean faces. I need you to look at my face, and I need you to tell me the truth, buddy, all right? Just tell me the truth. Is it true? Did you punch that girl Sarah Jr. in the face?” I was trying to give him a signal to lie, but he didn’t pick up on it. I was like… He wasn’t paying attention. He’s like, “Yes, Daddy, I punched her face.” “Oh, my God. Why? Why would you do that? You’re not supposed to put your hands on anybody.” And his answer was so gangster, it scared all the parents in the room. He was like… [whimpering] “‘Cause she had it coming.” I said… And everyone looked at me. I said, “I did not teach him. I don’t know where he got that from.” I said, “What does that mean, son? That is crazy talk! What does that mean?” And then he just started crying like he was Tupac. [crying] “These kids keep fucking with me!” I told his teacher, I said, “Well, now, wait a minute. This kid is a lot of things, but he’s not a liar. And if he said they was fucking with him, they did something to him. Son, what’s going on? What did they do to you?” “Dad, I’m tired of this shit. It’s been going on all week.” I said, “What’s going on all week?” He said, “We was at lunch, and that bitch bit my sandwich.” I said, “Oh.” He said, “It’s the fourth time this week. I’m tired of this sandwich-biting bitch.” I said, “Stop using that word. Let’s go home.” That’s a quiet car ride home. We got to the house, he just ran right up to his room, slammed the door. His mother came downstairs. By then, she’d heard about everything. She was looking at me, like, “Oh, my God.” I said, “I know. It’s fucked up.” She said, “You bit that goddamn sandwich, didn’t you, Dave?” I said, “I’m tired of you accusing me of shit!” And I just ran out of the house. Jumped in my car and drove off. Of course I bit that sandwich. But I knew that she was just really mad about that tape, so now she was gonna punish me about a fucking sandwich that I’d bit. I was mad as fuck.