Ray Rice

The other big sports story was, fucking, Ray Rice’s tape. Anyone see that Ray Rice tape? I can’t stop watching it. It’s fucking awful. It’s the most violent thing I’ve seen happen to a woman that was shot in color. Really fucking bad. If I could’ve froze time at that moment and gave Ray Rice some advice, I don’t think there’s any way possible I’d be like… “You should punch her in the face.”

That’s a fucking terrible idea. At the same time, I also believe she shouldn’t have rushed him. What the fuck? You can’t beat him. Don’t rush a motherfucker that’s trained to stiff-arm people in the clutch. He’s gonna get the upper hand.

The only reason I bring him up is because he’s about to play football again. You didn’t know that? The NFL was told by a federal judge they had to reinstate Ray Rice because he was transparent with their investigation. He told them exactly what he did. And they can’t just change their ruling just because the tape came out. I get it. That’s like if I’m hanging out with my buddies, and I’m like, “Hey, guys, guess what I did last night? I fucked this big, fat girl I met at the club.” And they’re all like, “Oh, shit, Dave. That’s crazy.” And then they see a tape of me doing it, and they’re like… “We can’t hang out with you anymore, Dave. That’s not what this crew is all about.” I’d be like, “What? I told y’all what I did.” What’s really fucked up is the tape was made before they were married. Isn’t that weird?

I don’t know why she’d do that. I don’t even know why he would do that. As a guy, would you want to live with a woman that you had once punched in the face with all your strength? That’s some very bold Color Purple-type shit. “Celie! Come out here and shave me!” Are you out of your fucking mind?

I had to ask an older friend of mine, just to get some perspective, this older black dude. Actually the fairest person I’ve ever met. And I asked him. I just said, “Hey, man, did you see that Ray Rice video?” And instantly, he was like, “David, that shit was disgusting.” And then a moment later, he goes… “I wonder what she said to him.” I don’t think that matters. I think the idea is you’re not supposed to punch her in the face. Because my wife says terrible shit to me. My wife once called me a pussy… in front of dinner guests. I know.

I started to get mad, but then I was like, “Fuck it. She’s probably right.” I am a pussy. I admit it. I’m soft and warm and persuasive, like a real pussy. That’s right. Then I told her, “If you don’t take care of me properly, I might stink, like your pussy.”

Ohh! Oh, we fight dirty at the Chappelle household. It’s not a big deal. No, no. If you want to get to the bottom of a matter of the heart, what you’re supposed to do is ask a woman.

Now, actually, there’s two women that I know— they’re both college professors in this little area I live in, and I meet them twice a week at Starbucks for coffee. We talk about important shit. And I asked the girls— we was in a coffee klatch. I said, “Yo, why do y’all think that this woman stayed with Ray Rice after he punched her in the face with all his strength?” And one of my girlfriends said, “David, you need to wake the fuck up. She’s staying for the money.” Now, wait a minute, ’cause my other girlfriend was like, “I disagree. I think that she actually loves him.”

And I said, “Wait a minute, ladies. You know what? I think that you’re both right.” And what I was doing when I said that was preserving the possibility of a threesome with these bitches. I’d been chipping away at this pussy one cup of coffee at a time for, like, four years. I wasn’t gonna throw that hard work away with some Ray Rice shit. I don’t care that much. I’m just being real. It’s fucked up, man. It’s a tough time for the blacks.

-[man] I love you, Dave!

-I love you, too. And then here comes the banana peel. I’m waiting on it any second. You know that’s how it starts. I saw in the paper today that the guy that threw the banana at me got arrested again ’cause he threw a banana at another motherfucker in a bar in Santa Fe. Look it up online after the show. He actually did that. And that guy was black, too. I’m just saying. And you know why the guy said he did it that night? He said, “I did it ’cause Dave Chappelle is racist.” So, nigga? That’s not the best way to handle that if I am racist. What if Martin Luther King just went around throwing tuna casserole on white people? Would that work?