First Time I Met OJ

Everybody’s mad at police now. I watched that– You see that shit on Netflix, Making a Murderer? The Steven Avery story. If you haven’t seen it, check it out. Steven Avery is in more trouble than any white person in the history of the United States has ever been in! In a justice system designed for him to thrive, he’s failed miserably twice. I can’t even wrap my mind around it. If Making a Murderer was about a black dude, that shit would be called Duh! Of course everything would go wrong. Seems like he did it, all right. The motherfucker even had $200,000 for his legal defense. That should get you off in Wisconsin. That’s like OJ money.

All he needed to get off that he didn’t have was a single black juror. That’s all it would’ve took. Because only a black dude in the United States can look at other dudes and be like, “I think the police did this shit.” He’s fucked up in the game. That’s how OJ got off.

I’ve been watching that new OJ show.I can’t get enough of that shit. Doesn’t it bring back good memories? But I forgot just how polarizing that OJ case was.

And you know, I’ve met OJ Simpson on four different occasions in my life. And before the end of the show, I will tell you about each of those occasions. The first time I met OJ Simpson, I was in Santa Monica.

-Santa Monica!

-Yeah!

I can’t believe a black dude was like, “Santa Monica!” You the last nigga I would expect to say that. Let me see your shoes. You got some Vans on, nigga? What you got? “Santa Monica!” You?

At the time, I had done a show, and the guy from the club came up and was like, “Hey, OJ Simpson’s here, and he said he wants to meet you.” I said, “What? Fuck yeah!” I ran down the steps, and OJ was down there. He’s like, “Hey, young man. How are you? It’s very good to meet you. And you’re doing really good work, and I hope good things happen for you in your life.” I was like, “Man, thanks, Mr. Juice.” Standing beside him, was– I don’t know the nice way to say this– his soon-to-be-slain wife.

Ladies and gentlemen, man the fuck up, or you’re not gonna make it to the end of this show. Just man the fuck up. She’s dead. We already know what happened. We don’t know who did it, but we know what happened. I should tell you, that woman was very nice to me. She actually embraced me. She said, “I think you’re adorable,” and she hugged me. She goes, “Good luck to you,” and she held me for a long time.

And I whispered in her ear, “Bitch, are you trying to get us both killed?”

I’m just kidding. I didn’t say that, but… that was the first time, in a nutshell.