What Happens to You After You Die

What we used to think was, when you died, the soul leaves the body. It's kind of like a little bubble in a 7Up. Y'know, just goes shooting up there. And we used to think there was different levels in Heaven, and depending on how holy you are, the lighter the soul is. So if you're a really, really good person, you know, maybe the soul could get to get way, way, way up high, and you could be with God and all the very nice pеople. And if you're a bad person, you know, likе a mafioso type, maybe the soul would just raise like four feet. You might have to spend eternity, hanging around the grill at some cheap restaurant. And that's forever. Forever!

I know some priests, they say "forever and ever". I really don't think the "and ever" is necessary. "Forever" kind of covers it, you know?

Well, we found out that wasn't true. There are no levels in Heaven. We found out the truth from something called the Fatima letter. What it was about, was the secret of life. What happens to you after you die, all that stuff. And what it said right at the top, it said "Vitum est laborum". That means "Life is a job". That's why, you know, you think life, it seems so hard. You know, it's just one thing after another. It's 'cause it's a job! What do you want? It's just work. And it's to say that each of us, we're getting paid $14.50 a day. That sort of wage, it's $14.50 a day, and what happens after you die — the soul does leave the body, and then you see yourself going down this long, long, long, dark tunnel, and your whole life flashes before you. From the day you was born till the day you die.

Then you come to the end of the tunnel, and God is waiting there for you. And he looks you straight in the eye, and then he pays you. You see, he knows you was coming. He's like a psychic, he knows everything. And he figured it up all in advance. No calculator, no computer, does it in his head. Just, you know, $14.50 times the number of days you was livin', and he gives you all of this money. And you got all of this money in front of you, and then he starts going over your sins, and you have to pay for your sins. Maybe you heard that expression, you know, "you have to pay for your sins"?

That's the truth. It's like, you know, maybe when you was a little kid, maybe you stole a bad of potato chips. That might be like a $6 fine. Lying? Every time you lied, $10. Murder? Murder, that's the worst... $100,000. Masturbation? 25-35 cents would be my guess, it's a cheaper sin. But it can amount up, you know, over a period of time. You know: 35, 35, 35, 35, 35... Well, if you have enough money, you can pay off all your sins; then you get to go to Heaven. But if you don't have enough, then you have to go back and be born again. It's kinda like going back to work after little vacation.

I keep having this dream, you know, once a week. I don't know how many weeks I've been having this terrible nightmare. And I'm this real old man, I've just died, I'm standing in front of God — and I'm just 35 cents short.