Five Minute University

Sisters, please welcome all the way from Rome... the gossip columnist for the Vatican newspaper, Father Guido Sarducci

It's wonderful to be here at St. Douglas College Convent, you have a lovely, lovely school here. Personally, I never liked school too much, to tell you the truth. I went to a lot of 'em. I studied with these fellows Jesuits for quite a few years, and I almost finished with them, but uh, something happened just towards the end, I don't wanna get into it, but... after I got kicked out of there, I went to this school, wonderful seminary, it's called Gregorian Seminary in Rome. It was named after the very famous chant of the same name. Some people, they say the chant was named for the school, I don't know. It's like, you know, what came first: the chicken or the egg, you know. And then, Vatican sent me to this school, place called the Marconi School of Broadcasting. I went to the Reggio Calabria Branch (yeah!). That's the, that's the best branch. You're from Reggio? Are you really? Amazing. Reggio alto, arbasso... you know, basso, reggio basso... then you know the school, ey, she knows my school. [laughter, applause]

Did you go there? (No) You know, it's a co-ed now. Just the last couple of years, it's a co-ed. I find the education, though, I think it don't matter where you go to school. Italy, America, Brazil, Costa Rica... it's all of the same, it's all just memorization. And it don't matter how long you can remember anything, just so you can pair it back for the test. And I got this idea for a school I would like to start, something called the Five Minute University. And the idea is that in five minutes, you learn what the average college graduate five years after he or she is out of the school. Would cost like $20, and that might seem like a lot of money, you know, $20 just for five minutes. But that's for like tuition, cap and gown rental, graduation picture, snacks — everything, everything included. Actually, it's not five minutes of school. About 1.5 minutes is taking up registering, and then it's only about 2 minutes of school.

You know, it's like in college, you have to take a foreign language. Well, at the Five Minute University you can have your choice. Any language you want, you can pick it. Say if you want to take Spanish, what I teach you is "como esta usted" — that means "how are you", and the response is "muy bien" — means "very well". And believe me, if you took two years of college Spanish, five years after you're out of school, "Como esta usted? Muy bien" — it's about all you're gonna remember. So at my school, that's all you learn. You see, you don't have to waste your time with the conjugations, vocabulary, all that junk, just to forget it anyway. What's the difference?

Economics? Supply and demand. That's it, that's it! Business? Business is, you buy something and you sell it for more. Theology? I'm-a gonna have, you know, a little theology department. It's only right since I'm a priest. And what you have to learn in theology, is the answer to the question "Where is God?" (He's everywhere!)
God is everywhere, that's right. Party line, I gotta bless you. Do you know why? Because he likes you. That's a kind of combination of the Disney and Roman Catholic philosophies, you know? Well, after the courses are over, then it's time for a little Easter vacation. No time to go to Fort Lauderdale, though. It only lasts for like 20 seconds. But what I do is, I turn on the spotlight to sunlamp before you, you know, and you can sit there getting some rays, I give you a little glass of orange juice. That's the snack part, orange juice

And then, after Easter vacation, it's time for the final exams. I say to you "como esta usted?", you say "muy bien" (muy bien!) Very good. Where is God? (Everywhere!) Economics? (Supply and demand!) Ey, wonderful! Well, if you was there, now I would bring out the cap and gown, put it on you; I bring out my camera, you know, make a little snap, flash a picture. I would give you the picture, you give me $20, I give you diploma and you're college graduate ready to go. I don't know where, but you're ready to go there. And I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure right next door to the Five Minute University, I might open up a little law school. You know, you got another minute? Why not? I don't know what it would cost, you know, what I'm gonna charge you for that. Maybe $6, that seems reasonable.