Singing About Beer on Buses / Happy Birthday

Well, I wish I could use it, but I can't anymore, that's the way it goes. But you know, "Dancing in the Dark" is a wonderful song. I like most songs though. One song in particular that I hate, I used to love this song, now I hate it: "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". Do you know it? You know this song? I just heard it, it was about five years ago, I heard it for the first time, I thought "this is a lot of fun", you know? "This is a great song", I started, you know, parties and that, you know, try to get it going, and that. And then I remember this guy, comes over and says "You know, it's not... not too cool to do this 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". Says "You know, that's uh, that's a song, it's made for buses." Excuse me, please, you know?

I tried doing it once on a city bus. Was in New York, you know, and these people give me these looks... Another song I hate: "Happy Birthday to You". You know this song? I always thought, who was the brilliant person who wrote the lyrics to "Happy Birthday to You". Maybe same guy who wrote "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall". And you know, "Happy Birthday to You" — you think it's a short song, until it's your birthday. Then it seems to last forever. And you don't know where to look. You know, you just sit there, you know...

Is it anybody's birthday? (Yeah!) Is it yours? What's your name? (Laurie) Laurie, well I couldn't embarrass you, you know, and sing it to you. But you know how it goes, right?
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Laurie, happy birthday to you."
I know all the words, I know 'em all. I got this idea for, like, a short version of "Happy Birthday to You". It would go:
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Laurie, happy birthday to you."
I know it only cuts out 6-7 seconds, but over a period of a lifetime, we're talking 6-7 minutes, you know. So, next time somebody's birthday, you know, do this short version.

Did you have a cake? (Not yet.) Not yet, you're gonna? (inaudible, then "I don't know.") You don't know, I think yes, she says yes, your friend, and they're nice. And the candles, and everything. I think most people hate that. You know? I think the only people who like candles on the cake is little kids. And they hardly get any. Like, it's not fair! Poor kid, four years old, you know, four lousy candles, you know

I went to this birthday party recently, it was about two months ago, man's name is Cardinal Dario Fungi. 111 years old, he's the oldest living cardinal. The oldest living man in Europe now, cardinal Fungi. They bring out this birthday cake, right? 111 candles. I says: "This is it." You know, "this is gonna kill the man", you know. "Gotta see this", you know. But he did it! He did it, he blew 'em all out, and I think the reason was 'cause he was so excited. It was like a surprise birthday party, we flew his mother in from Naples. Little woman! She looked like E.T. You- you remember when they dressed E.T. in the dress, and that? If they put a black dress on E.T., you would have Mrs. Fungi in person.

What was amazing to me, she looked more like his sister than his mother. And I think they says, she's like 130 years old, he's 111. And when you think about it, you know, the difference between somebody like 30 years old, and somebody 11 years old — pretty great. But between 130 and 111 — you could hardly tell. It shows like there's hope for all of us, to know once we're past 100 years old, not gonna age too much. The two of them, eh, looked like beef jerky. They could be the beef jerky twins, you know. Like, doublemint twins, you know, they could go bar to bar, you know, selling beef jerky and that.

I got this idea about insurance, you know how it works? Life insurance, it's all based on how old you are, and how much longer you have to go. And right now they got these statistics, right, they got it all worked out. Man lives to be like 74.2 on the average, woman 78. And I got this idea: say a little girl, one years old, instead of having one lousy candle on the cake, what you do is you have 77 candles on the cake. See, 'cause this is how much longer she has to go. Then every year you have one less.

You see what this does? It gives all of us a goal: to clean the cake. And then, when the cake is clean, this means like you've beat insurance companies. Then you've won, you've beat 'em.
Then, instead of calling people like senior citizens, you call them the clean cake people. They go into their bonus years. Their clean cake years, and everybody should give them free cake.