Father Sarducci’s Dream / Breakfast in Heaven

I had a dream myself, I've had this dream. I had it like three nights in a row. That means it's true. I don't know if you knew that, you dream of something three times in a row, that means it's true. And what it was, was about eh, I went to Heaven. And the first thing, there's this angel fellow; he didn't have no wings, but I just took it he must be angel. He meets me there, you know, and the first thing he gives me this box. And inside of the box there's like three umbrellas, there's a couple wallets, loose change, couple gloves in there. And I think "what it... what's this?", you know.

He says "now that you've lost your life, you get to have back everything that you lost during your life." It's- it's like Lost & Found box, is what it is. And it's great, you know, this gives you like a start in Heaven. You think people that are so together, never lose anything, you know, they're so great. It's like, they're really at a disadvantage when the game's all over, you know, they got a box full of nothing. But I had all of this stuff, you know?

And then I'm waiting, I said well, you know, "I'm ready" and that. You know, I thought I'm gonna be judged. You know, judgement time. And he like smiles, and I knew right away. Didn't say nothing, I knew what he meant, you know, and it was like "who do you think you are?" You know, "you're gonna go see God." You know, and when you think about it — God, you know, he's so busy. He's got, you know, so much business all over the universe to take care of. God's got, like, the whole world in his hand, like the song says. He's got billions and billions of planets, like Carl Sagan says. You know, he's- he's in charge of the whole ball of wax.

So he's pretty busy, and what this guy said to me, he says: "You get to see God, but you gotta wait 8.5 years for your appointment." 8.5 years, "and" he says, "and you're in a group." It's 10,000 people in my group, and the apointment's like 8:00 in the morning. You know, I think, gotta hope I don't oversleep for that one, you know? Better set two alarm clocks. Just my luck, you know? Overslept, oh no.

But the great thing is, you get to stay in Heaven till your appointment comes up. And Heaven, it was just... it was great. It was... I was so impressed. Everything was so big, that was the most amazing thing. They had trees there, look up, you could not see the tops. It made, like, redwoods look like toothpicks. Gigantic, gigantic trees, and I walked down this pathway, and there was like a vineyard. They had grapes the size of oranges. And they had oranges the size of like, watermelons. They had watermelons like Volkswagens. Everything, just gigantic.

Then this beautiful girls comes up to me, and she had this hair. The hair was like, went down to the ground, then went up into the air. You had to be there, I think, to you know, really appreciate this, but it was, you know... impressed me, I tell ya, you know. And she says to me: "My name is Rhonda, and I'm here to help you." I said "All right", you know?

She says "are you hungry?" And I was hungry, I said yes, you know. When I got there, they gave me this donut to eat. Big donut, it was, eh... looked like donut from a firestone, you know? I don't like donuts too much, I passed on that. But I was hungry now, she says: "Come with me, I'll take you nice place". We went to this place, was this, was like... grass, rolling green grass, like on top of clouds. As far as you could see, was this beautiful green on top of clouds. And they had waiters, these waiters was like wearing tuxedos, and they were sitting on top of zebras. You could hardly tell where the waiter stopped and zebra began. Was like zebra man, you know?

And they was there with the trays and that, and Rhonda and me, we sat down underneath this tree, and waiter trotted over. He says: "What would you like to hear this morning?" And Rhonda, she says: "I think swallows would be nice." And like, these two dozen giant swallows come flying into the tree, and started singing to us, and that. And then he says: "What would you like to eat this morning?" And I said to him: "Well, I'm hungry, I think I'll have some orange juice, have a egg..." I didn't wanna get two eggs, you know, 'cause you know, that probably is a giant, you know, one — more than enough, thanks anyway. Said "I think I'll have some bacon." Usually I don't eat bacon, you know, 'cause of the nitrates and that kind of stuff. But I figure I'm dead, might as well live it up, you know, why not? Double bacon, please, double bacon, and a cappuccino.

This guy looks at his watch, you know, he says: "Boy, I'm very sorry, but it's after 11:00." I says, what? He says: "Well, no breakfast in Heaven after 11:00." Then I think of the prayer, you know — "It is on Earth as it is in Heaven." No breakfast after 11:00 here, no breakfast after 11:00 there, you know, there is no justice no place. But what I was gonna do for now, was uh, sing a song entitled "No Breakfast in Heaven after 11:00". But my mandolin is lost somewhere. I'll get it back, eventually I'll get it, you know, it'll be in that box. That'll be nice to have a mandolin in Heaven, you know? I'm gonna start losing a lot of stuff from now on. Like maybe I could buy a Camaro and have it stolen, that would be outta sight, huh?