A Preview of The Vatican Enquirer / Missing Commandments

Hey, I want to turn you onto something, while I think about it. At the Vatican, you know, we've got L'Osservatore Romano, my newspaper that is, it's widely read by the finer people that live in the Vatican. But it's not a great circulation, 900. We do sell some in Rome, but we've been thinking of getting to publications, you know, that have broader scope and that. We thought of buying this uh, magazine, maybe you've heard of it, I'm sure you have: National Enquirer. What a great newspaper that is, huh? We tried to buy it, you won't believe what kind of money they want for that. Million, I think, millions of dollars.

So, make a long story short, we decided to do our own called Vatican Enquirer, and it's got a lot of great, great stuff. And I'll give you quote of some things, give you a little taste of what's in here, it's just great. One thing in here we have, you know, the Enquirer has something, all the time they have it, called "Married Look-alikes". You know what it is, it's people that look alike and are married. Brilliant concept, I don't know... whoever thought of this, but anyway, nowadays one out of every four couples in America getting divorced. So what we're doing here, we have something called "Divorced Look-alikes". 'Cause you know, even though you get divorced, you cannot stop looking like. You could stop living together, but you can't stop looking like. So, we bought the Married Look-alike pictures from the Enquirer, we're gonna run, uh, one out of every four of them. Hope we pick the right ones, you know? Just keep your fingers crossed on that one.

Another great article in here, it's entitled "How to Build an Emergency Umbrela (using just a stick, a hula-hoop and a plastic garbage bag)". Say you're stuck in a rainstorm, you know, and you don't have an umbrella with you; eh, but you do have, you know, hula-hoop, a stick and a garbage bag. This is the article for you, wouldn't wanna miss it.

Another great article here, it's all about the missing commandments. The missing commandments... you probably studied the Bible and that, and you know the story, the true story about the ten commandments. What happened was Moses, he went to the mountain, he got these two tablets with commandments on them, he came down to his town or whatever, and he found these people there, they was worshipping a cow, something like that. And he was so mad he threw down the tablets, broke 'em. Then what he did was, he tried to remember 'em, make 'em up again.

And Moses, you know, was old man, he was in his 90s... he was grumpy, he had a chip on his shoulder because of his... the cow incident. And all he remembered was the negative ones. "Don't do this, don't do that, thou shall not this, thou shall not that." But a lot of the commandments he forgot were more like advice. They were nice things, you know like, like for instance: the 11th Commandment "Wait half hour after eating, before you go swimming." You probably thought this was just something your mother told you, it was a commandment.

Another one: "Whistle while you work." Whistle while you work, you probably thought that was Disney. Di- he stole it from God. He stole it, it was God. Another commandment, great one, very, very important. It says: when you use Q-tips, just go around the outside of the ear. Don't poke, you know, go in- don't go into the canal with a Q-tip. This was very important, especially in Biblical times. 'Cause way back then, you know what — they used to use, uh, rock like quartz. Quartz rock, and they used to put like a sponge at the end, and lot of people, you know, they go poking in, end up with sponge in the ear, they couldn't get out.

Here's another commandment: "Don't look at your neighbor's wife through a telescope." That's one that I must admit I have been breaking. But from now on, you know, might use binoculars, but uh... doesn't say "don't use binoculars."

Here's one great, wise one, it says: "It's okay to eat chicken with your fingers." That shows you God is a regular guy, you know? Sure, go ahead, what's he care. There's another great article here about, eh, dream analysis...