Central American Policy / Bomb Canada

He didn't give no speech, you know, it was right off the helicopter, you know, in- on the carpet, into the White House. But I've seen some great speeches about the man. You know, he is a truly great actor. No doubt about it. His favorite speech of mine, he gave a speech before the Joint Houses of Congress. And what it was about, was the Central American threat. And he made it sound, like Central America was gonna attack you tomorrow. You know, it was so heavy. And the best part: he looked straight to camera, and he says "ladies and gentlemen, Central America is closer to Texas than Texas is to the state of Maine." I'm shaking in my boots!

It's like, ey, let's get out the globe, check it ourselves, you know. You know, so you get the globe, you go "Central America... Texas... Texas... Maine... goddamn, it is close!", you know? You know, look at that, it is closer. Whole idea of the speech was just "your neighbors are just to darn close to you." You know, so what I was thinking, if I was Ronald Reagan, I wouldn't be so upset at Cental America. I would be afraid of Canada. Ladies and gentlemen, I looked it up myself: Canada is closer to the United States, than South Bend is to Mishiwaka. [applause]

Look it up yourself! It's this, this country's 3,000 miles long, it's just looming over you. Could- could come down anytime, attack you. I know what everybody says, everybody says the same thing: "Canada's your friend, you've been friends for 200 years or so." What I say is: don't push your luck. Who knew ten years ago, it would be trouble in Central America. Ten years from now could be Canada. So if I was Reagan, I'd nuke 'em. I'd do it, you know? One bomb on Toronto...

I read it as a fact once, maybe you heard of this. Says eh, you could take all the Chinese people, line them up four abreast, march 'em into the sea, and they would never stop. Have you heard of this? They would never stop. I mean, that means I think, 'cause there's so many of them, I guess they would be multiplying in line. They would be going to the sea, they probably would have on their bathing suits, you know. So, it's kind of erratic in that, you know. Four abreast, they would never stop. I never understood too, what it means — "four abreast"? That sounds like it should be two people facing another two people. You march like that, go no place. Like Three Stooges or something, you know, just bump into one another. I know what they mean though, four abreast. What it means is like, four crossed, they would never stop.

Anyway, Canada on another hand, Canada has entire population, 180,000 people. Don't... don't quote me on this exactly. But 180, 190... I know it's not more than 200,000 people. Anyway, you could line up the Canadian people, march them into Lake Erie, would take like, afternoon. You could have lunch, march 'em into the lake, be home for dinner. I say let's start, you know, what's holding things up here? Get the ball rolling.