Ruffhousin’ Mit Shuffhausen

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
I understand you are completely numb from the waist down, is that correct?

[FREDDY, spoken]
Yes, sir

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
No feeling whatsoever?

[FREDDY, spoken]
Mmhmm. That's right

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
I see. So...

This little piggy says-

[FREDDY, spoken]
Nothing

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
And this little piggy, the same?

[FREDDY, spoken]
Uh-huh

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
I suppose that it’s futile
To wiggle or doodle
Or jiggle this piggle?
Well, ain't that a shame

And this one?

[FREDDY, spoken]
Like wood

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
And this one?

(Freddy shakes his head.)

Zer gut

So, that's the entire contingent
We’ll have to try something a little more... stringent

(He pulls a pussy willow branch from a vase and whips it through
The air)

[CHRISTINE, spoken]
Stringent?

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
Trust me, Fraulein, I am a doctor

(sung)
When I was young and I was cute
And I was in the Institute
They banged it in us like a drum
The Corpus Hippocraticum

So just before you graduate
You raise your hand
And stand up straight
And everybody has to quoth
That zippy Hippy-cratic Oath

You swear to God to heal the sick
But do no damage - that's the trick
Even if you have to lop a leg
Or God forbid, an arm

If it's for the best, go crack a chest
Or slice 'em open like a wurst
But first:
Do no harm

(He wacks Freddy on the legs with the pussy willow)

Yodelayeeoo!

(spoken)
Nothing?

[FREDDY, spoken]
Nope

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
Hm

(sung)
A medical professional
Before he starts a session'll
Be sure to pause and clear his head
And think on what Old Hippo said-

A real mensch with lots of heart
Bestowed on us this noble art
And let me tell you that ain't easy
In three-hundred and eighty B.C

Defend the weak and mend the ill
Prescribe a pill then send a bill
For many years the system has
Been working like a charm
But you must recollect
With great respect
Hippocrates and what he versed:
First

Do no-

(WHACK!)

[FREDDY]
YOWWW-DELAYEEOO

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
That's lovely my boy

[CHRISTINE, spoken]
But Doctor, this seems so cruel

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
On the contrary, Fraulein, Sergeant Benson would be the happiest man on earth if he could feel any pain. Ja?

[FREDDY, spoken]
You bet!

[LAWRENCE]
Let's all yodel!

(They do.)

I said yodel!

(WHACK!)

The Corpus Hippocraticum
Like bats out of the attic come
Like popes out of the Vati-come

[CHRISTINE]
Like nylon sheets with static come

[LAWRENCE]
Like donkeys from the paddock come

[CHRISTINE]
Or fish sticks from the haddock come

[LAWRENCE]
Or you psychosomatic come to me

(He suddenly turns and exits. Freddy breathes a sigh of relief.)

[FREDDY, spoken]
Well, I guess that’s that

(Lawrence runs back in brandishing the pussy willow and gives him the biggest WHACK yet. Freddy whimpers.)

[LAWRENCE]
I look at him, the sorry face
I know I have to take this case
It’s who I am, it's what I do
If you were me, you’d have to too

If I were him or I were you
I'd look at me and like the view
For here I am and here we go
Hippocrates would wish it so

(spoken)
This man intrigues me, I will take Sergeant Benson on as my patient

[CHRISTINE, spoken]
Doctor, look! He's so happy he's crying! Do you really think you can have him walking again?

[LAWRENCE, spoken]
Walking?
I’ll have him running!
Jumping!
Shouting!
Shrieking!
Or my name isn't...

(Punctuating each word with a whack on Freddy's legs)

Dr!
Emil!
Shuffhausen!

The third!