No Thank You

[HARRY]
You gotta be in it to win it, lady
Keep up to the minute to stay in the race
You wanna be “instant” and “easy”
And “breezy” and “fun,”
Priced to compete so you beat everyone
Geared for the modern-day gal on the run:
Your new 1955 face!

[ELIZABETH]
No thank you, indeed
Makeup applied in haste?
What has become of taste
Elegance and class?
“Quick” is not my speed
“Easy” is seldom so
Would you serve Chateau Margaux
In a plastic glass?

Ask my clientele:
Beauty comes at great expense
Only cut-rate merchants sell blush
For sixty-seven measly cents
Secretaries clamor
For their movie goddess glamour
Like a cow stampede!
Guess what else they’ll need?
Benzoyl for the rash
From that cheap max factor trash
So, no thank you
Oh, no thank you, indeed!

[TOMMY]
You gotta revamp it to amp it, baby

[HELENA, spoken]
“Baby”?

[TOMMY]
Or women'll stamp it a thing of the past
You’re sellin’ ‘em romance and drama
Their mama forbids
Liz Taylor’s lipstick and violet lids
Tap the disposable income of kids
You’ll corner the market, and fast!

[HELENA]
No thank you, indeed
Children with war paint on?
Sad, this phenomenon
Symptom of our time
I blame corp'rate greed
Tempting the immature
Selling sexual allure
At the five and dime

Thirteen-year-old skin
Needs no helping hand from me
Later on, I may take them in
But only after puberty
Pushing pre-pubescents
Into early adolescence
Where do such things lead?
Marijuana weed!
Playboy magazine!
And it starts with Maybelline!
So, no thank you
Oh, no thank you, indeed!

[WILLIAM S. PALEY, spoken]
Magazines reach thousands, Miss Arden, but television? Millions
I’ve a quiz show, Tuesday nights, destined to be the hottest half hour in broadcast history

[ELIZABETH, spoken]
Why Mr. Paley, you want Elizabeth Arden to sponsor a quiz show?

[PALEY, spoken]
We’d be proud to welcome you into the CBS family

[ELIZABETH]
An unlikely yet intriguing opportunity

[HARRY]
In a medium you haven't yet been on

[PALEY]
You’d be queen bee of the CBS community

[ELIZABETH]
Mr. Paley, I'll get back to you--anon

[PALEY, spoken]
Awaiting your phone call

(to HELENA)
Madame Rubinstein, Twenty-One made a fortune for Geritol
"The $64,000 Question" could do the same for you

[HELENA]
Mr. Paley, I have nothing but respect for you
And your lightbulb-box transforming daily life
Though my clientele is clearly not correct for you
Take this token of esteem to give your wife

[PALEY, spoken]
I couldn’t possibly

[HELENA, spoken]
I insist, it's sapphire, like her eyes
Mr. Lewis, show Mr. Paley out

(singing)
Hands off Rubinstein!

[ELIZABETH]
Don’t demean the Arden line!

[ELIZABETH & HELENA]
So no thank you!

[HARRY & TOMMY]
You’re gonna regret it!

[HELENA & ELIZABETH]
No thank you!

[TOMMY & HARRY]
You really don’t get it!

[HELENA & ELIZABETH]
No thank you!
Oh, no thank you, indeed!