My Secret Weapon

[HELENA, spoken]
Then we make discovery!
In my face crème, we put the elixir of woman
The hormone that makes her different from the man!

[HARRY, spoken]
Estrogen?

[HELENA, spoken]
Brilliant, no?

(singing)
It’s my secret weapon
My secret weapon
To take America by storm
Feminine quintessence
Cooked down to its essence
This can make the skin transform

(spoken)
Whoosh!

(singing)
Want to conquer fashion
And also cash in?
As the French would say
“Cherchez la femme”
Fight the march of time
And look sublime
With new estrogenic hormone crème

(spoken)
With this crème, you can postpone the menopause

[HARRY, spoken]
Defy age itself!

[HELENA, spoken]
Skin like the tuchas of a baby

[HARRY, spoken]
I can work with that

(singing)
It’s your secret weapon

[HELENA]
Our secret weapon
Your turn to step into the fray

[HARRY]
Start with Walter Winchell
Every column inch’ll
Show New York you’re here to stay
We’ll seduce new clients
By selling science

[HELENA]
Women must embrace the modern age
My job is to make la crème de la crème

[HARRY]
Mine will be to make it all the rage

[ELIZABETH, spoken]
But, Tommy, look at the jar!
Pink! Arden pink!
The color of every woman’s childhood, when youth still springs eternal

[TOMMY]
It’s our secret weapon

[ELIZABETH]
Our secret weapon

[TOMMY]
Release this urgent to the trades
“Evening day and sport pinks”

[ELIZABETH]
“Boudoir and resort pinks”

[TOMMY]
“Now announcing twelve new shades”

[ELIZABETH, spoken]
Pink for every month of the year!

[ARDEN GIRL]
“Champagne pink is festive”

[ARDEN GIRL]
“Blush rose suggestive”

[TOMMY]
Sky blue pink stays fresh from nine to five

[ELIZABETH]
Free from harmful hormones
Others use
Step into the pink and come alive

(spoken)
We’re in the pink alright!

[HELENA, spoken]
So, how do we get these women to give up this pink?
My crème, she is twice as good

[HARRY, spoken]
“Twice as good,” an interesting notion

(singing)
New “twin youth-ifiers”
Double your buyers

[HELENA, spoken]
How?

[HARRY]
Two variations on a theme

[HELENA, spoken]
Go on

[HARRY]
One jar is the day cream
One jar is the night cream
Different labels, same cream

[HELENA, spoken]
I like it!

(singing)
Product so essential

[HARRY]
So fundamental

[BOTH]
You will need it twice for your toilette!

[HELENA, spoken]
Such a team we make, Harry!

[HARRY]
Charge ‘em twice the price
At half your cost
That is what I call a matching set!

[HELENA, spoken]
It’s genius!

[HARRY, spoken]
Thank you

[HELENA, spoken]
No, me, for hiring you

[TOMMY, spoken]
She’s seen a thirty percent rise in sales
All because of that Madison Avenue Shakespeare
Give me the same title that he’s got

[ELIZABETH, spoken]
Tommy, don’t

[TOMMY, spoken]
Invisible, is that what I’m supposed to be?

[ELIZABETH, spoken]
For now

(singing)
You’re my secret weapon
Top secret weapon
You keep the business in the black

[TOMMY, spoken]
Where no one can see me

[ELIZABETH]
Making nice with buyers
Calming down suppliers
Filling in the skills I lack

[TOMMY, spoken]
My name on the masthead, maybe?

[ELIZABETH]
Future prospects sunny
We’re coining money
It’s a winning formula

[TOMMY, spoken]
I guess

[ELIZABETH]
Everything you need
You’re got right here

[TOMMY]
All except the title

[ELIZABETH]
Patience dear
That’s the secret weapon
To our success