New Kind of Songs for Sale

WMF: Original songs for sale. Sir, would you like to hear an original song for a dime? I swear to God it's original
Girl: I don't have any money

[long pause; more street noise]

WMF: What do you think of the song? You think it's worth it?
Weasel: It's worth it
WMF: Would you tell everyone in your neighborhood that my songs are worth a dime?
Weasel: I tell everyone in my neighborhood! Now go get your dimes and go find Wild Man Fischer! Y'got get my dollar for sayin' that? Huh huh ha ha ha . .
WMF: You better—you owe me money for that song! I gave you a free song, man!
Weasel: I know . .

[pause]

WMF: Sir, would you like to hear an original song for a dime?
Girl: I already heard you over there
WMF: You don't—How am I sounding over here? . .

[chatter chatter]

WMF: "Merry-Go-Round"? D'you like the song?
Mitzi: Yeah!
Duane: No, not "Merry-Go-Round"! No, sing me another one!
WMF: Which one?
Duane: I dunno, whatever one you want

WMF:
Miami Beach! Yeah, yeah!
What a beach! Yeah, yeah!
Everybody's goin' surfin'
At Miami Beach!

Duane: All right!
WMF: Malibu's cold! Yeah, yeah—
Lynette: Fischer, you're insane!
WMF: Oh ya cut that out! I'm not insane!!
Lynette: Fischer, Fischer . .
WMF: Would you like to hear an original song—
Shel: Yeah, Larry—
WMF:—for a dime?
Credo: Do your thing, Fischer!
WMF: You got a dime?
Shel: What? Larry, how m-
WMF: Shh! Be quiet
Shel: How much stuff have I given you in my store? Sing me your song
Lynette: Fischer, what sign are you? He's gotta be, uh—
WMF: I'm gonna be on "Laugh-In", uh, September 23
Lynette: Fischer, what sign are you?
Shel: He's a Libra
WMF: Scorpio
Shel: No, you're a Libra
Lynette: Scorpio? You're a sex sign!
Credo: Ho ho ho, Fischer, you devil! [general laughter]
Shel: Fischer, sing me a song
Credo: You're an original—
WMF: Okay—
Shel: Okay, c'mon, Larry, gimme the song
Credo: Let's go

WMF: [sings]
Let me ask you this question
This most important question
Is it over for you?
Is it over for me?
Doont doo-doo doont doo doo
Bum bum

Shel: Very good, Larry

[pause for traffic noise]

WMF: Get your original songs here! Sir, would you like to hear an original song for a dime?
Girl: No, thank you

[more traffic noise]

WMF: . . . I gotta find those sunglasses! Sir, would you like to hear an original song for a dime?
Bill: I already know all your original songs
WMF: So what?!
Bill: What is this for?
Bob: Larry, whaddaya doing?!
WMF: I'm selling songs!
Bob: You're working, boy!
WMF: Whataya mean, workin'! Just for one night . .
Bob:—up again. You don't need that knife
WMF: Yes I do. I need some dimes
Bob: Are you still working for Frank?
WMF: No, I don't mind not workin'. I need my dimes
Bob: Ya blew it?
WMF: Ah, I jumped over, I started, start, shhht, razor, was started slashing my throat—
Bob: You are?

[pause]

WMF: . . . little bit of that drink too?
Doff: Sure
Don: Wild Man!
WMF: [mouth full] Wanna hear a song? Or y'are—
Don: Yeah, I'd like to hear a song
WMF: For a dime?
Don: I don't have a dime
Dick: Huh, this is, this is, this is good enough for a song
WMF: All right, muhhnn . .

[snicker]

WMF: What song d'you—wanna hear?
Don: "Merry-Go-Round"

WMF:
C'mon let's merry go, merry go, merry go round! Boop boop boop!
[audience laughs]
Merry go, merry go, merry go round! Boop boop boop!
Merry go, merry go, merry go round! Boop boop boop!
Me and you can go merry go round!
It's very easy, just go up and down!
C'mon let's merry go, merry go, merry go round, boop boop . .

WMF: . . . Y'wanna hear an original song for a dime?
Frodo: I don't have no bread, man
WMF: D'you wanna hear a song for a dime? 'S original, I swear . .
Weesa: Want some Cracker Jack?
WMF: D'you wanna hear an original—
Frodo: I hear you're gonna be on the show . .
WMF: Yeah, I'm gonna be on "Laugh-In" September 23
Frodo: Oh yeah? That's heavy
WMF: It was really good. Like Dick Martin goes up and introduces me and he looks at me, y'know, he just, y'know, my hair, 's just thinkin' about my hair and I gave him a dirty look and I sang "Leaves Are Falling", then I walk offstage and go like that and then they had me do "Merry-Go-Round" and then some old lady drags me offstage and then they had me go back—well, never mind, watch the show, it's good. I'm the greatest! I mean—shit, man, all those other guys, they need guitars . . . [onlookers laugh] I mean I don't need nothin'! Huh? I don't need anything!

[more street noise with inaudible but probably inconsequential chatter]

WMF: You gonna get my album when it comes out?
Lorna: You makin' an album too, man?
WMF: Yeah?
Duane: Hey, sing me another song, brother! Hey, do you have a penny, thermometer? (????????)
Terry: Nope. Thpppff!
Duane: Hold it! We want another song
WMF: What song?
Duane: . . . a nickel or anything at all?
Someone: "Miami Beach"?
Terry: Anybody have a nickel or—gffmmff!
WMF: Naw, uh . .
Duane: "Carousel"! . . . "Merry-Go-Round"!
WMF: [sings]
C'mon let's do the Taster when my love was so grayster—
Gimme a dime
Duane: Hey, give him a nickel or penny. Anybody got a nickel or penny so he'll sing a song? C'mon now! A nickel or penny so he'll sing a song . .
Argh: Robbers! Robbers!
Duane: I wanna hear him sing a song!
WMF: I gotta pay my rent!
Duane: Hey, up there, brother! (????????)
WMF: . . . Original songs!
Mudslide: Who wants to hear 'em?
Outre: Ha ha ha . .

[Bits of chatter intelligible from street noise and Art Tripp; further confusion with studio overdub of WMF grunting and squeaking the rhythm for "The Leaves Are Falling". There is one more bit of discernible street dialogue:]

WMF: Is that your dog? Looks more like you!
Lorna: [laughing in spite of herself] That's not funny!
WMF: It does! Y'oughta look in the mirror!

[The sounds of the street peter out and only Art Tripp's artful percussion remains. Then—]

WMF: Lyupdubdedoodedip—ssshhhhhhhhhh!!!! . . . Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . !! [kissing noise; whispers] "I love you, Mother!" [another kiss; motherly falsetto] "Love you too, Larry!" [kiss] Nnn nkk nkk nn nkk nkk—heh heh heh . . . nn nkk nkk nn nkk nkk nn nkk, nn nkk nkk nkk nkk nkk nkk, nn nkk nkk nkk nkk . . . [street talk fades back in] Call that doing your thing? Course not! Heh heh heh . .
Duane: Spare change? Spare change? Better g— join, join the Wild Man Fischer Fan Club! Spare change, please!

[street noise fades out again; rustle of paper]

WMF: Bastards!