Jennifer Jones

[Entirely spoken, except for the refrain:]

Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Miss Jennifer Jones!

The story of this song starts out in Nebraska. I had a farm, a cow, a penguin and a Negro slave
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Miss Jennifer Jones!

The very next day a kid around three foot five came around my house—started throwin' avocados at my cow! carrots at my penguin! he threw a rotten tomato at my penguin! it was terrible so I killed him. Blood was coming out of his nose, it was coming out of everywhere, oh it was terrible!!
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones!

So the very next day the grandfather came, the grandmother came, the grandchildren came—oh they tried to kill me so I started shootin' 'em—kssh kssh kssh kssh! Oh, they were just lying dead all over the place! So I told my slave to put 'em in the garage
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones!
[coughs] (Excuse me) Doont doo-doo doo-ooon . .
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones!

Oh it was becoming a terrible thing, the sheriff was coming around and all his deputies . . . I was killing everybody! Oh my garage, it looked like Hitler's Nazi camp, it was terrible!! I killed everybody in the territory!!
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones!

So let's get to the other half of this story . . . We talk about Jennifer Jones. (Doont doo-doo doo-ooon . . . ) She lived in Massachusetts . . . (Doont doo-doo doo-ooon . . . ) And she, uh, she used to be, uh, a small-time hooker, she only charged like, uh, twenty-five dollars a throw—SO ONE DAY SOMEBODY WOULDN'T PAY HER! SO SHE KILLED HIM!! Oh, it was all bad, blood comin' out of everywhere . . . she had to run from the scene!
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones! Doont doo-doo doo—

Everybodyandtheycameafterhershekilled—oh, she just hated men! She went, oh she'd go to bars and she'd look in the bars and she'd go, "Me-en!!" . . . and she'd start shootin' 'em—kssh kssh kssh kssh! Ears would fall off—oh it was terrible! SHE WAS THE MOST WANTED WOMAN IN MASSACHUSETTS!!!
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones!

So Miss Jennifer Jones bein' so wanted an' everything started comin' t'wards MY way! (Doont doo-doo doo-ooon . . . ) Coming closer! (Doont doo-doo doo-ooon . . . ) And closer, heh heh! (Doont doo-doo doo) Finally she got around to my territory—she went around, she went lookin' for people—SHE COULDN'T FIND NOBODY!! "Where is everybody, ooh this is terrible!"
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones!

So finally she kept looking and looking and looking—she finally got to my house and she said, "How come there's nobody around here?" So I told her, I said, "Go look in my garage!" So she went over to my garage and she goes, "Oh . . . ohhh!! . . . " And she came back to me and she said "Who killed all those people in your garage, did y'ever see it?!!" "It's my garage, I've seen it."
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
Ah Miss Jennifer Jones!

So she got all uptight an' screamed an' everythin' an' she said, "You're mean! You're a terrible person!! I'm gonna KILL YOU!!!" KSSSH!! . . . and there she was—dead on my porch!!!
Miss Jennifer Jones is lying dead on my porch, doont doo-doo doo-ooon!
I say Jennifer Jones! Doont doo-doo doo-ooon . .