My Wife

Oh, I wanna talk about my wife now—most comics talk about their wife, but this is the truth
I'm married to an ugly woman—ex-ugly woman, 'cause she had plastic surgery
And it's a wonderful thing, this plastic surgery, it's a marvelous art, really
So many people have begun to lift all over, they just lift everything
My old lady had her face lifted so many times, ain't much meat left in her shoes
Well, some people can't be helped, though—take the case of my wife's mother
Her face was so bad, instead of having her face lifted, they lowered her body
Then she had a little work done on her nose—they put it in the middle of her face
I think sometimes, though, that she goes a little too far—last week, she had her warts bronzed
And she got a mouth on her, baby—I mean, my mother-in-law got a mouth on her
And they tried to do something with it, and when she smiled, she got lipstick on her ears
She's the only woman on earth can swallow a banana sideways
Actually, she done had her face lifted so many times, there's hardly any meat left anywhere on her body
You know, it was a fella once, he wanted to marry a young girl, and he went to a plastic surgeon to have some of the wrinkles removed from his face
The plastic surgeon said, "Well, the only thing I can do is lift all your loose meat up to the top of your head and tie it in a ponytail"
So he said, "Well, is that all you can do, doc?," he said, "Well, that's okay, I got plenty money, I'm a millionaire," he said, "Go ahead and lift it up"
So the doc put on his gloves and put some sorgum on his gloves, and lifted this guy's loose meat all the way up to the top of his head and tied it in a ponytail, and he put his hat on, his face was smooth, but he had a hat jammed with meat. And he went around to his fiancée's house, and he rang the bell and she came to the door. And she recognized him somehow, she said, "Oh my goodness, Bill, I never noticed that dimple in your chin"
He said, "Dimple? Hell, that's my navel." He said, "If you want a real surprise, open up my shirt collar"