Insecurity

I want you to know what insecurity is, friends
Insecurity is having a wife who drives a car, wearing a pair of Jockey shorts, that are knotted
Insecurity is knowing that you have to cough after a heavy dose of Ex-Lax
Insecurity is the thought of a guy approaching your sandcastle—big fella, too, kick sand in your eyes
Insecurity is a rectal thermometer
Know what they call a guy who don't believe in birth control? Daddy...daddy
It's a big difference in Florida oranges and California oranges—you get a Florida orange and a California orange and bite into each one of 'em, and the one that sucks back is from California
I don't feel too good this morning—I just received some very bad news from the War Department: My youngest brother was shot in the canal zone—and you know how that hurts
He was shot coming out the window to PX in St. Louis
My name is Redd Foxx—in Spanish, that's Zorro Rojo
In French, it's Renard Rouge
In Japanese, it's Akagitsune
In Chinese, it's Hóng hú
In Greek, it's kókkini alepoú
In Italian, it's volpe rossa
In Jewish, it's oika fox
In Apache, it's kle ku
And in Russian it's Runavich Yousonofbitch
In Mississippi, it's Mud
We'll drink a toast to the cherry—here's to the cherry, it's like a balloon, one drink and BOOM!
Every year in California, we lead the nation in automobile deaths
Don't come out there trying to live, we'll run over your ass
We're not gonna lose our championship 'cause you wanna live
Do like the rest of us—get out there and get drunk and get on the highway and get somebody
We get behind in our quota, we run up on a safety zone and scrape a sucker off
They got a car out there now with a glass bottom, so when you hit somebody you can look down and see if you know 'em
Lot of things worse than cancer—I've been smoking 31 years and then they decide to put this warning on the side of the pack, dig it
Caution: The cigarette smoking may be hazardous to your health
31 years I smoked before they put that on there—hell, if I don't have cancer now, I probably have something that will eat it up
They might have to come to me to find the cure
"Oh hell," he said, hahaha—I hope your dog dies—haha, I'm only serious
What, sir? Don't speak too clear, does he? Probably a war veteran. You know we couldn't get parts for all of 'em's head
I was in the service, shot in the face
I remember once it was two wacks taking a shower, and one wack asked the other wack, said, "How'd your navel get so large, honey?"
And this sorta irritated the other wack, so he said, "Well, tomorrow, you try carrying the flag"
I shoulda been in the movies—they offered me a role in a all-Negro Western and I didn't want that
I'm not gonna hurt my people just to be in the movies—I don't wanna get killed in my first picture, 'cause that's what woulda happened if I'da took that part in a all-Negro Western. I knew if it was a all-Negro Western, it was gon' be the first time the Indians won. I was tempted to take the role, though, because I like the title of the picture, Ride, Mother, Ride!—goddamn, that was good
There was two spook guys talking—I hope none of my people get offended when I say 'spook', I'd rather be called a 'spook' than 'the big hen'
These two spook cats were talking, one said, "Hey Joe, did you hear about whatshisname?" Other cat said, "Of course, I have, what about him?"
He said, "Well, what about who?" He said, "What about ol' whatshisname?" Said, "Oh, oh, whatshisname, I heard he came home from a thingamajig one night and, from some place, and married ol', uh, ur, uh, he married ol', uh—you know the other fella's sister?" He said, "Yeah, yeah, didn't you hear about it before?" He said, "Yeah, I heard about it but I didn't get no details until I talked to you."
Seriously, I was playing Keno outside, and a guy was sitting there and he was playing too, and the waitress walked over, and she had this low-cut dress on—cut so low it would make a baby cry—and he looked up at her, he said, "You know, baby," he said, "I sure would like to get in your pants." She said, "Well, go ahead, it's one ass in there already."
Well, 75 percent of the women with breast cancer have attributed to men who smoke
If my mother knew I was in show business now, she would worry herself just sick—she thinks I'm in Philadelphia selling dope