Mudbone - Little Feets

First person I met when I got up here was Stanley, owned the barber shop, used to give bootleg haircuts. That's right, 25 cents for a haircut, see? And he’d give you what they call the "bowlcut", where he'd put a bowl on your head and cut around it. Made all the niggas look Chinese. 'Cause that’s the only way you can get a job on the railroad, see. That's right, they won't hire no niggas, see? Nigga want real money. Chinese work for that yang money, see. Niggas, they want that shit, see.

So, that's the best you could so though, so we did it. So... Chinese, they're funny people, boy, and you know what they can do? Eat with sticks. Swear to God! I've seen this Chinese have two sticks like this and a bowl of food, didn't drop a goddamn speck. Nigga lose three pounds of food a night from farting. So I had this friend, my partner, his name was Toodlum, see. Old big nigga, big roll-bud nigga, see. Worked over at the foundry, lifted motors, see. That's right, made about 38 cents an hour. That was big money in them days, see.

So, he could lie his ass off too. All that nigga could tell: a lie! So that’s how we became friends, see. He’d tell a lie, I'd tell a lie, see. And we’d compliment each other's lies. He'd make me laugh all day long, bless his soul. He told me this lie one time, he told me about the niggas with the big dicks. Said: yeah, d'you ever heard of it? Niggas had the biggest dicks in the world, and they was tryin’ to find a place where they could have their contest, see. And they were no freaks, didn't want everybody lookin'. So they're walkin' around, lookin' for a secret place. So they walked across the Golden Gate Bridge, and nigga's seen that water, it made him wanna piss, see. One said "man, I got to take a leak" and he pulled his thing out, was pissin'. Other nigga pulled his out, took a piss. One nigga said "goddamn, this water cold!" Other nigga said "yeah, and it's deep too!" Boy could lie his ass off. Said "yeah, and it's deep too!" Goddamn his soul...

So, so the nigga got sick, see. I told him, he was messin' with this girl from Louisiana, and I said "boy, you better leave that [?] alone", see. 'Cause I know she knows something, see. What she did was she put a hex on his ass. That's right, made that nigga sick! Boy's feets swole up like this, hands shriveled up, blood was coming out his eye. When I seen him, the nigga scared the shit out of me!

I said: Toodlum, that you?
Said: Goddamn nigga, you sick!
He said: Any fool can see that!
He said: Tell me what kind of sickness I got?
I said: Well, what [are] the symptoms, boy?
Said: Symptoms, my ass! You're lookin' at the symptom!
Said: My goddamn feets are swole up, look like elephant foots said my arms is weak, blood coming out my eye, plus I'm in love with a bitch I can't stand!
Well shit, right away I knew what was wrong, see.
I said: Boy, that girl done and put a mojo on your ass.
Said: I'll take you over to Jefferson where the voodoo lady lives, have her fix it for you.

See, 'cause the voodoo lady named Miss Rudolf lived over there, if she could do it. That was her name, Miss Rudolf, see. They named her after that deer. And she was good too, man! She had this monkey's foot around her neck, and a three-legged monkey. Yeah! That monkey didn't give her no trouble. That monkey fucked with everybody but her, see. And this monkey's foot stunk ought to be damned! And she said: [it] smelt that way to keep the spirits and most peoples away. Well, it worked on me 'cause it's been eight years since I've seen the bitch, see.

So... come noon, we went over there. I had a '33 Packard, stopped, got a little gas, I drove the nigga over, made him pay for it. We get over, I'm the one who got to knock on her door, see? So I go up to the door, I knock on her door. She opens the door, man – the funk rushed out the house, knocked me to my goddamn knees. And I'm lookin' up at her, she ain't got a [?], and the biggest titties in the world! They were swole up, looked like that nigga's feets! And she had a tattoo on each titty. Had a big eye on one titty, and a pair of lips on the other. And I'm prayin' to God I ain't got to kiss none of them, see?

So I was lookin' at this titty lookin' at me, and [it] looked like it winked at me. She said: Boy, get your ass in here! Get off the floor. So I walked into the house, I'm kinda nervous, 'cause bugs and shit crawlin' around all on the floor. Saw the goddamn bat flyin' around like this, see. Now this monkey comes near, starts fuckin' with me. Jumped all on my neck and shit. And it felt funny, 'cause it got them little monkey hands be fuckin' with your ears, you know? And I'm tryin' to act like I'm petting this motherfucker, but I'm pokin' him in the eye, get him off me, see? 'Cause I don't wanna offend this bitch with this monkey foot, see? 'Cause she scratch your ass with that foot – that's all over.

And I said: Miss Rudolf... Miss Rudolf, please, can you do something about the monkey?
She said: I don't have to do shit about the monkey!
The monkey lives here, nigga, you're visiting!
Well shit, I had to accept that, see. So I explained to her what was happenin', I said: My partner's sick, please, he needs some help. Would you be so kind and help him? Said his feets are swole up, eyes and shit, he all messed up.

I said: Now, first of all I gotta explain to you, I don't have no money. I said: I'm posing as a Chinaman workin' on the railroad, and all I got is that yang money.
She said: No, I don't want none of that. What you do though, come Thanksgiving, bring me by a goose or a turkey.
That's alright, you know. I said well shit, that's fine with me, 'cause it was June in [?], if I don't never see this bitch no more in life, it's alright with me, you see.

And just about that time, a big motherfuckin' tarantula, this big, crawled up my arm, 'round my neck; I almost shit on myself, man. Went down this arm, under my hand. I tried to mash him, when I lift my hand up, he were gone. That's when I put my hand on my knife. 'Cause I figured: if somebody get hurt in here, I ain't gonna be the last one, see?

I said: Miss Rudolf, please tell me what happened to the tarantula?
She said: That ain't none of your goddamn business.
But if you don't bring me that turkey, you will see him again.

So when I left the house, I'm thinkin' turkey. There's a big pretty bird in my goddamn mind, see. I don't give a shit if she's in Timbuktu, the bitch got a turkey comin' from me. So I get out to the car, now Toodlum – he don't wanna get out the car! I said: Nigga, you better get your ass up outta this car, with most shit I've been through in here. I'll kick you on one of 'em big foots!

I just said that to him, I wouldn't really kick him, see. But nigga made me mad, see it. So I helped him out the car, we walk up to the house, this nigga [?] around, see. Motherfuckin' feets is hurtin' him, see. I'm tryin' not to laugh at him, 'cause you know. So I help him in the house, he get in the house and sees all them bugs and shit crawling around. He tries to lift his feets up but he's scared, 'cause them feets' hurting him, bugs is fuckin' with him. All he can do is go "muh, muh, muh".

I said: Nigga, sit your ass down. Fuck them bugs, just pretend like it's furniture. So the nigga, he eased down on the couch – he had to ease down 'cause he got the piles, see? He eased down... yeah, this bitch done fucked with him, see. Tore his ass up. He eased down, stretched his feets out, just about that time she came from out the backroom, had a big washpan. And she said a few words over it, you know, then she squatted and pissed! That's right, she pissed for 15 minutes! All strong ammonia piss, too!

Then she slid the pot over by the boy's feets. Said: Junior, put your feets in that. Well, I'm sure enough trying not to laugh now, see? 'Cause this nigga puts his feets in this piss, it's all over for me, you see. I said: Go ahead, boy! See, 'cause I'm gon' talk about his ass 44 years if he puts his feets in the piss. Well, I guess the nigga said nothin' from nothin' leads to nothin', so he puts his foot in there. Puts the other one, the other one almost didn't fit in there. I said: Oh God, this bitch gonna piss some more!

So I pushed his foot down. Got covered up, water comes an inch bubbling and bawling, sparks start flying, goddamn bugs was runnin' all crazy, bat was flying around, monkey starts shitting everywhere, that's when I took my knife out, see. And she ran over and stroke this nigga with the monkey's foot, and he was tremblin' like that. I tried to get the door open, it was locked. I start stabbin' this motherfucker like...

Man, all of a sudden it got real quiet. And the piss turned blue! And I said holy Jesus, holy gee. 'Cause I ain't never seen no blue piss! Well, the boy eased his feets out the piss, and they was healthy. The nigga had healthy feets! But it was real tiny! The nigga had little baby feets! I said: Junior, look at your feets!

He looked down, seen the feet – the nigga went berserk. Killed the monkey, threw the bat out the window, start kickin' that bitch in the air, and them little feets was goin' like this. Nigga wore out three pair of kneecaps, kickin' her in the air. And he snatched the monkey foot off her neck, swallowed it... well, he shouldn't have done that. 'Cause they came and got his ass, and took him to the zoo! And you can see him if you go down there. He's the polar bear, with little tiny feets!