Jury Duty

[Verse 1]
Yeah bitch, I got fucking jury duty
Dress nice, suit and tie like fucking juries do
Get picked on a case like who don't want this dude
Convict a mother fucker like fucking juries do
Call into work like "I ain't coming thru"
Suck my dick you gon' see me on the news on the tube
Get a case like OJ with a homicide or two
Convicts on my dick like fucking juries do
Whattup little mama I'll cut right to the chase
I know you're seeing a couple of hundred jurors today
But they can wait cause this fine piece right here gonna be the best juror you had all year (Whaat?)
Don't believe me? Here's my resumè dear
Mind Hunter, Making a Murderer or the Jane Sex Files, Dateline NBC
Columbo, The Wire, Swamp Murders, NCIS, Blacklist, Dragnet, The Sopranos, American Crime and every city and season of CSI
Best believe I binge watched 12 seasons of Bones to prepare for this moment (Uhhh)
I even watched BoJack, know why?
To find who killed Sarah Lynn before Sarah Lynn dies
It was the drugs they killed her season 3
But I was calling it season 1
"Are you having fun?"
This isn't fun
This is serious shit
"I'm gonna need you to take a seat now, okay"
"I'll call you in a bit"
I'd like something big
Like a homicide or a rape murder of a 12 year old kid
"That's not how this works"
Yes it is
"No, if we call your name you're gonna go to a courtroom"
"Where the judge and the lawyers prescreen you"
"They get to choose"
Like team captains cool cool
Sooooo send me to the court room
"Sir"
Let's go right now
"You have to wait"
Lady, this is gonna be great
Judge ain't ever seen a juror like me
You seen my resumè I'm in my hayday
Primed and ready to put some monsters away
These other pussies don't even wanna be in here they hate it
That dude's picking his butt, that one
He's gonna shake a judge hand covered in anus
You want a juror with passion in the really high stakes
"I love your enthusiasm take it that way, in a chair"
Okay
Sooo I'll just wait over there 'til you call me up
"Yes"
But you will call me up?
"We'll see"
So that's a Yes
"It's a we'll see"
I think that's a yes
"We'll see, sit down"
Anywhere?
"Yes"
That's a nice dress
"Stop it"
It really flatters your breasts
"Sir sit your ass down or I'm gonna have you arrested"
Well that'd be ironic
Also I'm sorry did not mean to creep
It was a poor use of flattery
Please dear lord do not be mad at me
I'll sit where you can see me
[Verse 2]
Yeah bitch I'm on fucking jury duty
Gonna get picked first just like back in school
At recess playing dodgeball team captains love this dude
Like "J Pee I need you, you indispensable"
Sup lil mama what's your name
"Um Sara"
Wrong
"Excuse me?"
That's wrong, your name is 2301
"Huh?"
Your juror badge number on your shirt front
"What?"
2301, we don't have names in court sessions it was a trick question
But it's okay
You're lucky you have someone like me here to enlighten you today
"Yeah, um, thank you"
You are so welcome
So, 2301 are you stoked for your case?
"Uhh fuck no I just want a latte I hope they dont pick me
I'll just lie and say I have a bias to rape or whatever
Why are you looking at me like that?"
Nah it's just strange I mean
You get to be a part an historic process today
But you wanna just like piss it away
"I'm glad you care so much"
Fuck yeah I care so much you should care so much
You just ungrateful as fuck
You the reason this country's so out of touch
Want all the great shit the country provides but don't wanna give back?
People like you should die (What?)
"Wow"
"Sarah Parnell?"
"Well, that's me. Oh and they used me actual name see?"
"I'm not just a number you freak"
I hope they don't pick you
"Oh me too"
[Verse 3]
Yeah bitch you're at fucking jury duty
Watchin' Castle on my phone like fucking juries do
Any minute now I'll be in a jury room
Judge suckin' my dick, swallow my little jury dudes
Excuse me lil mama
"Yes?"
So, it's been like 3 hours you been calling names
People flowing like waves out of this room getting chosen for cases
Now I ain't tryna get jealous I'm just confused me dear
"You want to know why you're still here"
Um fuck yes I do
"No cases approved you"
Fuck do I have to prove boo?
I'm ready for my moment like Muhammad Ali
Knocking out pedophiles sending em straight to "The Tree"
Which is slang for "Penitentiary"
Inmates can knock out their teeth make him deepthroat the D
"But you're just not what the cases are looking for yet"
How do they know? Huh?
Put me face to face and I'll bet they won't regret me
I ain't no newbie homeboy
[? 3:58]
I want em on my case like Sir Richard Branson wants jets
"Go sit in the chair"
I just think it's a little unfair
How can they know me from that small questionnaire
Questions aren't even that personal
It's like they don't care that they're grabbing jurors out of thin air
But okay, I'll go sit in a chair
I'm watching Deadly Affairs so if you got a murderous housewife
I'm super prepared
"That's good to know"
Your dress is nice, for real though
And see, I did it without complimenting your tits
I know how that'd go
[Verse 4]
Yeah, rapist, you're at fucking jury duty
I'ma put you away like fucking juries do
No more little boys or little girls for you
Cause any second now I'll be in a jury room
"Carlos Nuñez"
The butt picker? Hold up hold up
Nah this is fucked hold up nah
The butt picker might get a case but not moi?
The butt picker?!
"Sir"
The butt picker gets a shot but I do not
"Sir, I was just about to call you up"
Really?
"You're free to go"
Wait, you don't need me here?
"No"
Sooo
"I don't know maybe next year you'll get in there bro"
Mmm do not call me bro
Fucking hate it when women calling me bro
Fucking friendzone me that shit's gross
"You can go"
Is it cause I said you were pretty earlier?
I take it back you ugly as ass
"Look, you just did not fit the right demographics"
Fuck does that mean
That I'm too white? That I'm too young?
That I'm too penisy? As in I have a penis
All of those things?
Are they like all white male crimes these guys are convicting
Is today like white male crime day at courthouse 53?
Like I'll have too much empathy if the guy being persecuted is
Young and white like me? That's not true
Seriously I got a lot of white shame and lot of guilt for darker shades
There ain't no way I'ma be swayed by race
I will not be biased crossing my heart guilty or not
I'm putting buddy behind bars scouts honor
I guess that is a little bias
"Sir you really have to leave you can't stay"
Okay. It doesn't have to be a murder
What about like a domestic abuse case like an NFL player
You probably have like hundreds of those waiting
"No"
I'll even take a traffic violation
Like some drunk asshole was speeding
And hit a girl on vacation with her ex-lover who payed for their weekend away
She dumped him and he was like "No baby stay let's take a trip to LA"
And she like "Free trip to LA? Okay"
And he takes her to a subpar concert to see The Fray
'Cause Bruno was sold out at Staples that day
The night going south he not gonna get laid
Trying to buy her a drink but she walking away
And he like "No baby stay let me just buy you one more tanqueray"
And she's like "Fuck you Greg you took me to see The Fray? The fuck are you gay?"
And he claps back like "Fuck did you say? In high school The Fray got mad radio play"
And she's like "Well Greg I hate to wake you up from your daze
But it's inexcusibal behavior I won't tolerate
Take me back to the hotel or I will Uber that way
You're not getting any pussy Greg I'm fucking irate
Go masturbate to Issac Spade not getting this nookie no fucking way Not eating this cookie it's not for-"
BAM
Drunk driver hits her with a Prius
Demoralizing cause it's a Prius
But still really painful cause it's a car
"Sir you're taking way too far"
Okay let me lay it out sweetheart
You mean well lil mama you just doing your job
But I'ma break this down like Connor McGregor break jaws
You ready? (Yeah)
Okay lil mama put me on a case
Something big or I'll find where you live
When you're gone I'll break in
Then I'll hide in the deepest darkest closet of your crib
Could be years from now when you least expecting it
You just grabbing some heels for a night out with your friends
But little did you know this is when your life ends
Then I grab your hand like "Remember me?"
Pull you in the darkness where no can see or hear your screams
Bury the body no one will find you
None of your family will ever know what happened to little mama
So put me on a case put me on a case please and I'll leave
"Security!"
Yeah security! I'll find you little mama
I will find you eventually
[Outro]
Yeah mama I get some jury dudes
Threaten people in a courthouse gets you a month or two in prison
So I'm gettin my own jury room
For my case this May can't wait
As long as it's not that fucking butt picker dude
Fuck that guy