Farkle, New And Improved!!!

Farkle!

Since 1942 and before, Farkle has been an international Institution known world-wide for it's endurance, reliability, Celery smell, and freshness in the face of adversity, mold, concrete, Dostoevsky, ready-made Pie crust, Tackle Box and redcuing swelling In Children ages 14 to 86
Farkle was history in the making!
Why, even Farkle's late creator, the late creator of Farkle used to say -

"I forgot what I was gonna say! It was quite funny though. An amusing anecdote!"

Yes, as our American boys marched off to War, marching over land, marching over seas and marching in the air, Farkle and Farkle Commercials kept their spirits alive and sparkling clean!
Why, here's an old Farkle commercial from the old days of black and white right here! -

"Yes, friends, the year is 1942 and before. Adolf-us Hitler and his mighty army of Nazi's are rising up, and Farkle is cheaper than ever! Buy it today and save a lot of hassle. And now, frozen in this block of ice is the creator of Farkle himself! Would you say a few words for us, here, today, now, right this moment, here's the microphone, here, you go ahead."

"I forgot what I was gonna say! It was quite funny though. An amusing anecdote!"

As most of you know by now, Farkle is the best. Keep one in the ice-box to prevent freezer burn! It's not only the leading brand in blind taste-tests, but deaf people really like it too! Great for those embarrassing carpet stains. Perfect onion flowers, every time! Just Farkle, and forget it
Keep one in the ice-box to prevent freezer burn! So-long Mister Pizza-Face (Later!)
With Farkle, you'll never have to say Chronic Callotosis again! Comes with hooks! Always flaky, never dry! (And I don't even have kids!)
Keep one in the ice-box to prevent freezer burn!
But enough about Farkle, lets see what our celebrity spokes-figment John-John the Leprechaun has to say about Farkle! -

"I'm John-John the Leprechaun, top o' the mornin' to ye and yer kin. Oi, when it comes to Farkle, I've only one regret. And that's that I've but one Farkle to give for me country. However, in lieu of giving up my Farkle, I'm gonna shoot me-self out of this big humongous cannon."

[Gunshot]
[Yodeling]
[Crash]

If this were a television commercial, you'd be able to see some fine print right now that reads - "ᴴᶦᵍʰˡʸ ᵖᵃᶦᵈ ˢᵖᵒᵏᵉˢᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ. ᴹᵉᵐᵇᵉʳˢ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᴬᶜᵗᵒʳˢ' ᴳᵘᶦˡᵈ."
And now, here's some completely unpaid random people like you and your mother, who just love Farkle. -

"Yar! Twenty years ago, the Great White Farkle took my leg in a mighty struggle. In a morbidly ironic twist, though, I've used nothin' but Farkle and Farkle products to upkeep a new peg leg! Yar, thank ye, Farkle."

"Farkle is the best thing that I ever tasted. It's better than water, and it's better than glue"

"I love Farkle. I spread it all over my body. Just take a look Here" -
[Squirting noises]
"OOOH, OOOH, AGHH FARKLE, AGGHH, AHHH, FARKLE, WOAHOAHOAA, FARKOOHO, FARKLEWOOHOOWOOHOOWOOHOOWOOHOO WOO!!!!!!"
"That was nice."

(Gibberish)
"Farkle is the best."
(Gibberish)
"My house is made of Farkle."
(Gibberish)
"Automobile beef transistor."

And now here's an unedited testimony from Mr. Pee Wilikins From Nova Scotia!

"Recently, my dog- Flowers- died. But you know what?- I keep it in my fridge. But now, thanks to- Farkle and Farkle Byproducts, what better way to preserve old- Flowers. I really love my dog! And we're all very-
[Bark]
Very-
[Bark]
Very-
[Bark]
Very-
[Bark]
Very sad, and you know what? It's gone folks. My dog? It's gone. I like- my dog, but now, it's gone folks. My dog? It's gone. I can keep him preserved as ever- and I would hate to see him go. Well, thanks to- Farkle, my dog- can save all the space I like. And to tell you the truth? I- really love- Farkle

Farkle!
You can live without it, but why would you want to?!
Chuck those old records, clean out your cattle brands and make the bed for...
Farkle!!!

(Coughing)
I mean... Farkle."

ˢᵒᵐᵉ ʳᵉˢᵗʳᶦᶜᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ ᵐᵃʸ ᵃᵖᵖˡʸ. ˢᵘᵖᵖˡᶦᵉˢ ᵃʳᵉ ˡᶦᵐᶦᵗᵉᵈ. ᴾˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᵃˡˡᵒʷ ˢᶦˣᵗʸ⁻ᵉᶦᵍʰᵗ ʷᵉᵉᵏˢ ᶠᵒʳ ᵈᵉˡᶦᵛᵉʳʸ. ˢᵒˡᵈ ᵇʸ ʷᵉᶦᵍʰᵗ, ⁿᵒᵗ ᵇʸ ˢʰᵒᵉ ˢᶦᶻᵉ. ᴰᵒ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵒᵛᵉʳᶦⁿᶠˡᵃᵗᵉ. ᴸᶦᶠᵗ ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ ʷᶦᵗʰ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ, ⁿᵒᵗ ʷᶦᵗʰ ʸᵒᵘʳ ˡᵉᵍˢ. ˢᵒᵐᵉ ˢᶦᶻᵉˢ, ˢʰᵃᵖᵉˢ, ᶜᵒˡᵒᵘʳˢ, ᶠˡᵃᵛᵒʳˢ, ᵈᶦᵐᵉⁿˢᶦᵒⁿˢ ᵐᵃʸ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ˢᵉᵗᵗˡᵉᵈ ᵈᵘʳᶦⁿᵍ ᵈᵉˡᶦᵛᵉʳʸ. ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ ᶦˢ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵇᵉ ᵘˢᵉᵈ ᵃˢ ᵃ ᶠˡᵒᵃᵗᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᵈᵉᵛᶦᶜᵉ. ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ ᵐᵃʸ ᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᶦʳʳᵉᵍᵘˡᵃʳ ᵇᵒʷᵉˡ ᵐᵒᵛᵉᵐᵉⁿᵗˢ ᵃᶜᶜᵒᵐᵖᵃⁿᶦᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ᵒᶦˡʸ ᵈᶦˢᶜʰᵃʳᵍᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵃⁿ ᶦⁿᵃᵇᶦˡᶦᵗʸ ᵀᵒ ᶜᵒⁿᵗʳᵒˡ ᵗʰᵉᵐ. ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ᴴᵒᵏᵉʸ ᴾᵒᵏᵉʸ ᵃⁿᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ᵗᵘʳⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳˢᵉˡᶠ ᵃʳᵒᵘⁿᵈ, ᵗʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵃˡˡ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ. ˢᵉᵉ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵒᶜᵗᵒʳ ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ˢᶦᶜᵏ. ᴬ ᵗᵉʳᵐᶦᵗᵉ ʷᵃˡᵏˢ ᶦⁿᵗᵒ ᵃ ᵇᵃʳ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵃʸˢ "ᴵˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃʳᵗᵉⁿᵈᵉʳ ʰᵉʳᵉˀ" ᴰᵒ ⁿᵒᵗ ᶠᵒˡᵈ, ˢᵖᶦⁿᵈˡᵉ ᵒʳ ᵐᵘᵗᶦˡᵃᵗᵉ ᵘⁿˡᵉˢˢ ᵖʳᵒᵐᵖᵗᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖʳᵒᵖᵉʳ ᵃᵘᵗʰᵒʳᶦᵗᶦᵉˢ. ᴰᶦʳᵉᶜᵗ ᵐᶦˢᵘˢᵉ ᵒᶠ ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ ᶜᵒⁿˢᵗᶦᵗᵘᵗᵉˢ ᵃ ᵈᶦʳᵉᶜᵗ ᵐᶦˢᵘˢᵉ ᵒᶠ ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ. ᴵ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵐᵒᵗʰᵉʳ'ˢ ᶜᵃˡˡᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘ. ²⁵⁰% ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖʳᵒᶜᵉᵉᵈˢ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵃˡᵉ ᵒᶠ ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ ᵍᵒ ᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ 'ᴴᵉˡᵖ ˢᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᴾʳᵉˢᶦᵈᵉⁿᵗ ᵒᶠ ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ ᴵⁿᵈᵘˢᵗʳᶦᵉˢ' ᶠᵘⁿᵈ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵖᵉᵗˢ ˢᵖᵃʸᵉᵈ ᵒʳ ⁿᵉᵘᵗᵉᵘʳᵉᵈ ᵒʳ ᵇᵒᵗʰ ᵒʳ ⁿᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᵒʳ ᵒⁿᵉ ᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᵒʳ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ᵈᵒ ᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵗᵒ ᵒʳ ᶦᶠ ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ⁿᵒᵗ ˢᵘʳᵉ ʷʰᵉᵗʰᵉʳ ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵃ ᵖᵉᵗ. ˢᵒᵐᵉ ʳᵉˢᵗʳᶦᶜᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ ᵐᵃʸ ᵃᵖᵖˡʸ. ⱽᶦˢᶦᵗ ᵒᵘʳ ᵂᵉᵇˢᶦᵗᵉ ᵃᵗ "ʷʷʷ.ᵈᶦᵇᵇˡʸᵈᵃᵇᵇˡʸᵈᵒᵒᵇˡʸᵈᶦⁿᵍᵈᵃⁿᵍ.ᵒʳᵍ.ᶠᵃʳᵏˡᵉ.ᵈᶦᵇᵇᶦᵈʸᵈᵒᵒᵈᵒᵍᵈᵃᵇᵇᶦᵈᵃᵖᵒⁿᵍᵒᵇᶦⁿᵍᵇᵒⁿᵍ.ᶜᵒᵐ". (Woo Hoo!) ᴬⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉʸ ᵃˡˡ ˡᶦᵛᵉᵈ ʰᵃᵖᵖᶦˡʸ ᵉᵛᵉʳ ᵃᶠᵗᵉʳ, ᵗʰᵉ ᵉⁿᵈ