Eat Here and Die

Dave Thomas MIA
From CEO to DOA
The pallbearers at his funeral say
Their tears were not from grief
Cuz years of burgers shakes and fries
Had made his buttocks biggie-sized
And now the tombstone where he lies
Is carved with "Here's The Beef"

"What will we do?" Shouts the whole Wendy's crue
"He's in our commercials, he sells all our food
"He was old and damned ugly, but we know it's true
"On his face we have grown to rely"
Advertising executives losing their grip
But try to go on without Dave's leadership
They create a new slogan that's modern and hip:
"Wendy's: Eat Here And Die!"

Colonel Sanders bit the dust
Yet still his face looks down at us
Up on a pole his cartooned bust
Shines over KFC
How'd he expect his heart to beat
When all he ever had to eat
Was breaded wads of greasy meat
With biscuits and Pepsi

"Kentucky Fried Chicken" had brought him such fame
But when he stopped breathing they shortened the name
As if even though they prepare it the same
It's now healthy cuz they don't say "fry"
But they say there's a restaurant in Akron Ohier
Where the ghost of the Colonel rose up from a fryer
And screamed "Eat my chicken you too shall expire!"
"KFC: Eat Here And Die!"

Every fast food franchise
Has a trademarked guise
Through which they filter lies
From their corporate high-rise
Every super-size may lead to your demise
But at least you get a toy surprise!

But when your icon dies
How do you advertise
The virtues of your fries
And eggroll-shaped pies
That fatten up the thighs
And clog the arter-eyes
'Til your only function is to fertilize
(Fertilize, fertilize)

Mickey D's makes burgers fun
To try to hook ‘em while they’re young
Like dealers and the church have done
Throughout our history
A clown-led thought control campaign
That’s calculated to ingrain
The need for nuggets in the brain
But they're not fooling me

How many Ronalds have come and then gone?
Live as long as a goldfish and then they pass on
They suit up another, the legend lives on
And the kids all think it's the same guy

Did all these actors think that it was sound
To take a job as a disposable clown?
30 minutes of fame was their final countdown
McDonald's: eat here and die
Wendy's: eat here and die
Everywhere you eat will make you die

Woohoo!