The Whole Being Dead Thing - 2014 Original Pitch Demo

[BETELGEUSE]
Hey folks! Beggin' your pardon!
S'cuse me! Sorry to barge in!
But how'd you like to make a start on the whole
Y'know, "being dead" thing

Death is so my oeuvre
I make crossing over smoother
Try to think of me as lube for the hole
Y'know, the whole "being dead" thing

Yes, I guess you have regrets
"We should have carpe'd way more diems
Now we're never gonna' see 'em"
I can show you what comes next

Evеrything is great here
Lots of friеnds to make here
They're sailing on the lake here
THERE'S A GIANT SNAKE HERE!

You're
You're gonna be fine
On the other side
DIE, MOTHAFUCKA, DIE, MOTHERFUCKA, DIE
I'll
I'll be your guide
To the other side
IT'S A PART OF THE "DEAD" THING!

Death is not the easiest
So don't be nervous
Oblivion can really make a girl feel worthless
Everybody needs a good transition service
When they pass
That's me!
I'm part of the "dead" thing

I'm not tryin' to say that you're uptight and boring
But there's a little fact that we can't keep ignoring
I mean seriously?
You guys were killed by flooring?
Hello, middle-class?
Welcome to the "dead" thing

Death can have its ups and downs
Eternity is like forever
It's so cute you died together
Come with me I'll show you 'round
My social skills are rusty
I smell a little musty
My mouth's a little crusty
But you just have to trust me

You're- You're gonna' be fine

[cheers and applause]

[SPOKEN]
Oh, thank you

[SUNG]
On the other side

[SPOKEN]
That's too kind
Hey

[SUNG]
I'll- I'll be your guide

[SPOKEN]
Ok that's probably too much

[SUNG]
To the other side

[SPOKEN]
Stop that

[cheering stops abruptly]

[SPOKEN]
OK, let me break it down for you

The good news is you and your spouse
Died in your own house
That gives you clout
That means there's something you can do about
The yuppies from uptown who swooped down and bought it
Don't be daunted it's your house
So haunt it
I'll teach you to flaunt it
I'm the ghost with the most-est
Scare the living shit of folks coast-to-coast

It's lucky for you I dropped by
Yeah you seem like nice guys
A little on the Pottery Barn and dry white wine side
As for me, I've been scaring for millennia
I’m the bio-exorcist who'll
Give your house an enema
Flush out all the breathers
You can breathe easier
Stick with me
I’m like a ghost-zombie Jesus

Qualifications for days and days
And hey, the amazing part is nobody pays
Because I do it for the love of it
I can't get enough of it
We won't stop until they quit
Jesus Christ, I love this shit!

You're just gonna' love the folks here
Everybody's dead so everybody smokes here
Every day I do like, a ton of coke here
The whole-
[snorts]
"BEING DEAD" THING!

The nightlife's hip
Sinatra plays here
Orgies last for several days here
People tend to go both ways here
They're like "YOLO, the whole being dead thing"

Don't think what you've left behind
Spring vacation
Friends and family
Feeling any real emotion
Think of what you're yet to find
No more meetings
No more deadlines
No more using suntan lotion

It's the perfect day to die
'Cause this guy happened to be passing by
To help you master the art
Come on let's make a start
It's your lucky day
Well, apart from the whole
Y'know
Lets face it
Uh
Hoo
The whole "being dead" thing