What Girls Want

I'm, like… I just got out of a relationship that was, like, pretty, like… Pretty hard. Like, I mean… 'Cause I was, like… Really, like, fell for this girl. And the thing is, like, well, I learned a lot, which is always good. Like, you want to learn from stuff like that and like, one thing I did learn… I guess the biggest thing I learned was, like, if… If a conversation starts with, "What did you mean by that?', it is not gonna end with, "Oh, now I know what you mean by that.' "Let's go to Game-Stop.' Never happens. The thing is, is like dudes are pretty… Like, we're pretty simple. We're dumb, but we're simple. Like we're very simple. Like every dude pretty much is like, oh, I woke up, now I want to eat, did I eat? Now I want to fuck, did I fuck? Time to sleep again. That's pretty much all… That's all dudes. Girls, they're, like, individuals. Like, all of them very individual, very different, and sometimes they will want two opposing things at the same time, like two opposing things, which is crazy to me, like that's insane. Here's a perfect example, is Destiny's Child. You guys remember Destiny's Child? Destiny's Child? Yeah, Destiny's Child. Women love Destiny's Child. And remember what their first big hit? Their first big hit? "Bills, Bills, Bills.' Remember that? "Bills, Bills, Bills'? Every girl in here is like, "Yes, I do, I remember that. Totally do,' because it was just like… Everybody was just like, can you be… can you be responsible? That was that whole song. Can you be responsible? Can you pay my bills? Can you be a man who provides for me? Can you be… can you be there? Are you responsible? Can you be there? And then we were like, yeah, sure, yeah. Dude, we can do that, we can totally do that. Not even a year later, they come out with another song called "Soldier,' all about dudes who smoke weed in the middle of the street and shit, with two pit bulls working out. It was like, hey, Destiny's Child, make up your fucking mind, okay? The dude working out in the middle of the street is not the dude paying your bills. I've never… I've never been… I've never seen a 245-pound, buff, like ripped dude wearing no shirt wearing a bandana and sunglasses, holding a briefcase at the bus stop, like, "I'm gonna be late for my data-input job at Google.' 'Cause it doesn't exist. You can't have a thug and a working man. They're not the same. You can't have it, like, that's… I hate this "Sex & the City' guy that every girl is looking for where it's just like, "Oh, he makes chairs, but he also fixes babies.' That doesn't exist. That dude doesn't exist, okay? Being a girl and wanting that type of dude is kind of like being a dude and being like, "You know, I want a girl who will willingly do butt stuff. But I also want a girl who wasn't molested.' Doesn't exist. Doesn't exist. No girl wants a penis in the butt. Sorry, guys- No girl wants a penis in the butt. Penises are gross. That's why we talk about them all the time and hold 'em and stuff, 'cause we know they're gross. We're trying to talk 'em up like a used-car salesman. We're trying to make 'em sound cool. It's kind of like your friend who bought a Zune when everybody else bought an iPod. He keeps talking about how awesome it is. He's just like, oh, mine has bigger battery power and it picks up the radio. It's like, "it's still a Zune, nigga… nobody wants it. Put it away.' "Obama has it!' "Get out of here.'