Kix

It was so ridiculous
I like - like, cause, like...
Cause you know that stuff is important to you when you're a kid
That stuff is really important
Like, that was like the world to me as a kid
Like, cause kids love sugar!
My brother Stephen, he loves sugar
He LOVES sugar
And I remember, like we weren't allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid
We weren't, we just weren't allowed to have any sugary cereals
And like, my mom would like, get us - the two cereals we were allowed to have were Cheerios and Kix
And Cheerios... is like cardboard doo-doo
And Kix is kinda like the handjob of cereals
It's like a little sweet, it's like the handjob of cereals!
Cause it's like... "This is pretty good, but you know what I REALLY want!"
So like, we would always go to the store, and my mom, and like, my brother would be like "Mom, can we get Coco Puffs? I really want Coco Puffs! Can we get Coco Puffs? I want Coco Puffs!"
And my mom would be like "No, no, no, no, no, like, no! We're not getting Coco Puffs, no sugar, no no no!"
And one day my brother just snapped
He just snapped
He was like "Mom! Everyone's eating it!"
My mom goes, grabs it and goes "fine"
Throws it in the cart and just walks away
Me and my brother would be like "what? It was that easy?"
So we go home, we go home and we're skipping around like "yes, yes, yes, we're gonna get Coco Puffs! This is gonna be so awesome! Yes, yes, yes, yes, I can't wait! This is gonna be so great, we get to tell everyone at school we had Coco Puffs!"
And she... my mom was a Tupperware woman
And my mom goes over to the cabinet and does the most devious thing I’ve ever seen anyone ever do
She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal, like, one of those big things that you pour and stuff
Opens it up, takes a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs, like, just the top, like 1/4th of the Cocoa Puffs, pours it in there, like…
Then takes a big ‘ol box of Kix, pours like the whole thing on top of it, shakes it up
So like, the ratio is like, 13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff, like, it was like one spot of brown
It looked like a Kanye concert
That’s what it looked like... It looked like a Kanye concert
She takes the box and slides it across the table and was like, “There you go."
And my brother’s just like *crying sounds*
And continues to pour himself a bowl!
You bitch!
How could you ruin this?
Like, crying
But he still ate it!
That’s how much kids love sugar, that’s how much my brother loves sugar
He was an addict
He could have been like, fuck this, I don’t need this, whatever
He was like, “No, no, I still want it! I still want it!”
It’s just like, if you love pizza and then a dude’s like, “Hey, you like pizza?”
“There you go!”
You’re not gonna be like, “Oh, you asshole! You asshole!”
Don’t eat the pizza!
Don’t eat it!
There’s not people lined up around the block, just like a Domino’s, like, “Oh, come on, baby. I used to be a lawyer”
Don’t eat it