Poop

[Donald Glover]
I was hangin' out in my neighborhood and this girl was joggin' and we started talkin' about a rape that had happened in the neighborhood. And we were talkin' about, "Oh, this is awful. This is so messed up. Can't believe this happened so close to us." And she goes, "Yeah, well, if anybody ever tries to rape me, I'm just gon' shit on 'em."

"Yes, I will. I have no problem."

Uh…

Two things, lady. Number one: He's a rapist. So his tolerance for gross stuff is probably pretty high. It's probably pretty high.

Number two: You can shit on command? Like, you can just— You can just poop whenever you want to? Just be like, "Huh! Hyah!" He's like, "Oh, God! No!" Like that. You can poop whenever you want?! Like, you can— You got— That— You're a national treasure. Like, you can— You got more superpowers than Shaft if you can poop whenever you want. That's amazing, okay?

No, I can't poop whenever I want. Somebody can run down s— down the stage right now and pull out a gun and be like, "Shit yourself! Poop yourself right now!" I'd be like, "Blow my head off." I can't do it, I can’t whatever. I am not— And like— Me and my butt are, like, always on the third date, I feel like. I feel like, me— I'm always like, "Come on. Let's— Hurry up. Let's do this." And my butt's always like, "Oh, stop rushin' me. When the time is right. I’m not in love yet."

That was me in a domestic dispute with my— with my butt…