Home Depot

Like, every Saturday morning, we would come down and we would, like, rule the whole house, ’cause there was, like, a bunch of us, not including my cousins that would come over sometimes, and some kids my mom would babysit. So there’s like a bunch of us, there’s eight of us just jumping around, banging around the walls, just like going crazy and my mom would be like, “Get these kids out of here, they’re driving me nuts.” And my… Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go on a Saturday morning more than anywhere else, where do you want to go? Where? Where? Park. Park, I heard park. Chuck E. Cheese makes me really sad. Someone had a stepdad. “Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese, whatever. I’m gonna go call your new mom.” Oh, “new mom” hit a sore spot for a lot of people. No, but it was like… Yeah, you go to Toys R’ Us, guys. Toys R’ Us. That’s where you want to go. Toys R’ Us was the illest place on Earth. It was so dope. Like, Toys R’ Us was so dope, you didn’t even need to go home with anything. That was how awesome it was. Sometimes you just want to hang out there, just look at all the new stuff, get on bikes, like, ride ’em in the aisles. And somebody’d be like, “Hey, get off that, you can’t do that!” And you’d be like, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And as soon as they turn the corner, you’d be like… “Ahh, fuck you!” Just run around, be awesome. But like, we would always ask to go to Toys R’ Us. We’d go, like, “Dad, Dad, can we go to Toys R’ Us? We really want to go to Toys R’ Us.” My dad would be like, “You guys want to go to Toys R’ Us?” We’d be like, “Yeah, we really want to! Let’s go to Toys R’ Us!” He’d be like, “Well, get in the van. We’re like, “Yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us! We’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys R’ Us.” Toys R’ Us dance. We get in the van, we’re like all happy and stuff, like, yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys… We’re going to Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! And we never went to Toys R’ Us. We never went to Toys R’ Us. We always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids, fucking Home Depot. Fucking worst… Worst place on Earth. Fucking hate Home Depot. I hate it. It’s the worst place, ’cause that’s where your childhood goes to die, it really is. It’s where your childhood goes to die. The second… The one day you walk into a Home Depot and you’re like, “Oh, knobs,” you’re dead. You’re dead inside. ‘Cause all of us have had that moment when we’re at Home Depot and was like, “Oh, that’s a cute little mailbox.” Bury your dreams ’cause you’re not a kid anymore. You’re dead. And we would always go in there and it’s the worst place as a kid, it’s the worst place ever, because you want to touch stuff, you want to hang out, and then, just a bunch of quiet adults looking around like, “Oh, don’t touch that, that’s sharp. Hmm, I can make my house a mansion.” No, you can’t. You can’t make your house a mansion with a bunch of 2 X 4s. Like, it’s not gonna do anything. So it was me, my brother and this new kid we had just gotten named Terry, and he was new, brand new. And we go in there, we’re like, “Hey, come on, let’s go.” He’s like, “What?” And we go to the toilet section and we pretend to take shits. Like, that was a fun thing. We’d go to the toilet section and pretend to make poops. Like, we’d go over to the toilet and be like… “I ate a lot of beans,” like, and that was, like, a fun thing. “Ooh, I must have had a lot of fruit.” Like, that was, like the fun… the fun thing to do. And Terry went over and took a real shit. And I remember it so vividly because he pulled down his pants. And I remember thinking… he doesn’t have to do that. And he sat down and he just goes… And he gets up. And me and my brother look at each other. And no one in here knows fear until you’ve seen a dry turd in the middle of Home Depot… at 11:00 a.m. in the morning. People are eating waffles and jogging. People are like, “Muah, I love you, honey, I’m gonna go to work.” And someone pooped in the middle of Home Depot. And I think my brother kind of lost it for a second. He kind of went crazy for one second, ’cause he was like… “I’m… I’m… I’m gonna try and flush it.” I was like, “What are you talking about? “There’s no water! “We’re in the middle of Home Depot! We’re right by a washing machine!” And like… We’re freaking out. “We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re gonna die. “We’re dead meat. Oh, my God, we’re gonna die, we’re dead meat.” And then, like, I look over at Terry and Terry’s freaking out, he’s like, “I don’t wanna go back to the house. I don’t want to go back to the other place.” And I just grabbed him and I was like, “Get it together, Terry! “Get your shit together. “We are no longer children. “You took that away from us, man. “You took that away from us. Get your shit together.” So, we’re freaking out, like, “what are we gonna do?” And I’m like, “Okay, I’m the oldest, I’m the oldest. Okay, I’m the oldest.” So I run to the toilet-seat section, pick up a toilet-seat box, and just put it on top. Still in the box, just a box with a picture of a toilet seat on it, on top of a turd. And I look at my brothers and I was like, “Let’s just fade away, guys. “Blood oath, right? Just fade away.” And then for, like… like for five minutes. Like, my little brothers, like, they hid underneath some, like, 2 X 4s for, like five minutes, and like for ten minutes, I hid in, like, some rakes. Just be… super quiet. And for the next five minutes, we were the most well-behaved kids in Home Depot history. Like we were the most… Like kids are just going, “I don’t wanna be here.” And we were like, “What’s wrong with that kid? Need a back massage, Dad?” And my Dad was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s… What’s going on?” And we, like, look at him and he goes, “You want to go to Toys R’ Us.” “All right, well, you didn’t have to work that hard, it’s okay.” And he goes and me and my brother look at each other and… “What the fuck? “We… we gotta shit in stuff more often. We have to poop in stuff more often.” But we look over at Terry and Terry’s losing it, he’s never lied like that before. So he’s just standing there… He can’t look at my dad, he’s like, freaking out, shaking and stuff like that, I’m like, “Terry, we’re almost home-free. “Just hold on, we’re almost there. Just hold on, we’re almost there.” And that’s when we hear it. That’s when we hear the loudest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life. And it was… “Oh, my God!” And it was the… oldest Asian woman I’ve ever seen, just on the ground, like… “Poop! Poop” And she didn’t know much English, but she knew “poop,” and she was screaming it. And the manager runs over, he’s like, “What’s… what’s wrong? What’s going on? What“ what-J’ “Oh, my God!” Like, he’s screaming. “Someone pooped in the toilet!” And then, like, adults run over there. “What’s going on? Oh, my God, who did this?” Everybody’s screaming, crying and stuff like that. It was like the end of the movie Se7en and shit. Everybody’s crying. Morgan Freeman was there, he’s like, “Oh, how can someone do this?” Like, everyone’s going nuts. I’ve never seen this many adults cry in my entire life. Never. And the thing that gave us away, the thing that gave us away was that everybody, everyone is running, everyone is screaming, everyone’s crying… and me and my brothers are like statue kids. We’re just staring at my dad just like, maybe if we don’t move and we don’t breathe like normal kids do, he’ll know that everything’s fine because we haven’t moved for 20 minutes. And he looks at us, looks at the poop, looks back at us and goes… “Let’s go.” And we all ran out. You guys have been so awesome. Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate it. ( Cheers and applause ) Night.