The N word

[Donald Glover]
It's funny how, like, the N-word still comes up in weird places. It does, like— It's strange 'cause, like, it doesn't really affect me like I'm sure it does like it used to. Like, I don't really think about it. It doesn't really come up. And, like, I don't really care about that shit. But, like, it still comes up in weird places. Like, I, like— Like, I—I write raps. So, sometimes I will write them in my iPhone. So, I was, like, writing, you know, the N-word in my iPhone: N-I-G-G-A. I was writing the N-word. And my iPhone goes, "Did you mean 'niggardly?'"

And I was like, "No, iPhone. I meant 'nigga.' Write it."

But then, like, like two weeks later, I was writing "jigga," which is the shortened form of Jay-Z: J-I-G-G-A. And my iPhone goes, "Did you mean 'nigga?'"

And I went, "Whoa, iPhone! You do not get to say that."

I like to— I like, you know… I've said this in my raps before. I like to date the black girls of every culture, you know. Aren't— You know, like, Filipinos. They're, like, the—the black girls of Asians. Armenians, who's like the black girls of white girls.

And I was datin' this Armenian (crowd member laughs loudly) and… Someone's racist. Uh… (laughs) "Armenians! Oh, God. But seriously, who were you dating?" (laughs)

I was— No. I was dating this Armenian girl and, um, we—we were—we were m-m-making sex. Uh. I was having sex with her. I ju— (laughs) I know. I shou— I wish I could start every sentence that way. Just like, "Um. I was having sex with this girl. And enjoy 'Black Swan.'"

"I liked that. I liked the part where he said he was having sex."

But I was having sex with her. And we were towards—towards the end. And she goes, "Fuck me harder with that N-word dick."

And I stop. Look at her right in the eye. And I came harder than I've ever come… before.

It was so awesome, you guys. It was so great. Like, I was like, "Wha—?!" Like, I couldn't believe it. Like, it was almost worth being black my entire life. It was… so great. I— It was so great, I actually felt bad for white dudes. I felt bad. I was, like— You guys'll never have that! You'll never have that. What do you guys have? "Cracker dick?" That's not… That's not sexy at all! That sounds like a virus you pick up on a cruise ship. Like, "Yeah, you've got cracker dick. Yeah, just hold it together. I don't know."

People always want to know who can say the N-word and who can't say the N-word, you know? Like, people always— Like, I've got a lotta— You know, I got a lotta white friends. And they're all just kinda like, "Oh, you know. Oh man. I wish I could say that stuff. That sounds so cool when you say it in rap song. Like, I want to say that. It sounds cool."

And I'm just like, "Eh, it doesn't really, like, do anything. It's not that great, you know?"

Like, it still comes up in weird places, like… You know, like that niglet joke? I told that joke in Alaska, and Alaska, for some reason, has a large deaf population. So they hired a woman to do sign language with me for that joke, and she comes up to me and she goes, "I'm sorry, but are there any terms or phrases in your act "that don't exist in sign language that I have to make up on the spot?" And I was like… "Yeah. Niglet?" And she goes, "Oh." There's already a term for "niglet" in sign language! They already have it! Deaf people have been saying "niglet" for years! For years! A nigga that is tiny, that's what that means! Was it… Why is this "nigga"? Why is this… This is… I feel like it should be… Or… Way, way before this. I've done this walking down the street. Like, when my nose itches, I've done that and I feel like deaf people were looking at me like, "That motherfucker's racist." "That guy hates his own people." But like I was saying, people always want to know who can say it and who can't and it doesn't help me, it doesn't help anyone. Like, it doesn't… Like, being black and being able to say, like, the N-word doesn't help at all, like, no one's ever… I'm not gonna get a job off of it or anything like that. It's like, "This dude is extremely qualified for this job… "but this guy can say nigger whenever he wants. Which one do we choose?" Like, no one cares. But there is one person in the entire world I know for a fact who can say the N-word, who isn't a minority. There's one person, there's one dude. There's one dude in the entire world who can say the N-word and he's not a minority, he's not black. And that one person in the entire world who can say the N-word is… Charlie Sheen. "Why does Charlie Sheen get to say the N-word, Donald?" I will tell you, audience. The reason Charlie Sheen gets to say the N-word is because Charlie Sheen, before all this crazy stuff happened two years ago, got in a fight on the phone with his ex-wife, Denise Richards, and just straight up called her a nigger. Just called her… Just called her the N-word, like literally. He was like, "Listen here, you nigger!" Like, really, really gave it to her, and I'm sorry, give that man the NAACP Award. That is… Seriously, that is amazing, think about it. A white dude called a white woman a nigger. Straight up, he didn't say, like, "I hope you get raped by…" Or something like that. You know, he didn't Mel Gibson it, like, he just… totally just called her… I'm sorry, and that's amazing, that really is an amazing thing, like, think about it. Like, see, black people use the N-word for everything. We use it for everything, like, mother, brother, sister, like, love, hate, we use it for everything. I called a seat belt a nigger earlier today. I called a seat belt the N-word. I was putting on the seat belt and I was like… "Nigga, if you don't…" I called it… it just needs a little flavor, so I gave it the N-word. You never… Like, we use it for everything. You never see any other minority… You never see white people just using it, you never see that… Just using it for everything. Like, you'll never go in Ikea and see, like, two white undergraduates from NYU just holding… just holding up, some, like rugs and being like, "What do you think of this rug, Denise?" "I hate green." "Oh, stop being a nigger, what do you think?" You'll never see that. You'll never see that, and that's the problem, it has to become a bad word for everybody. I hate it when black leaders are just like, oh, we're getting rid of it, everybody's got to stop saying it. No one… Like, rappers will still say it because you told them not to. That's what makes them badasses. Like, you got… Everybody's got to start saying it. Everyone, like white people. Like, you guys have got to start saying the N-word. You guys gotta start saying it. We will lose some of you in the process. Not all of you will make it home. But you'll be dying for a good cause, it'll be great. I saw a lot of white people here just like, "No, I would never… Uh-uh. "Not me, I won't be doing that. I will never… I would never do that." And let's be honest. White people have been getting pretty bold with the N-word lately anyway. Like, seriously, I was at a Kanye West concert. I was at a Kanye concert the other day, right? I was at a Kanye concert and he was doing "All the Lights," and you know how "All the Lights" starts. He does like three… three parts of a verse and then he gets to the end, and then he holds the mic out for the N-word part and everyone was like, "Nigger- Like, everyone, everyone. And I was in… I wasn't in Detroit, I wasn't in South Africa, I was in Texas, where they make white people. I was surrounded by white people and I was like, what the hell just happened? And they all looked at me like, what you gonna do? It's a Kanye concert, we outnumber you.