AIDS vs. Babies

[Donald Glover]
All awful. Seriously, that's why I wear condoms. I'm not having a baby. I'm not ready to have a baby. Like— And I know a lot of people are just like, "I wear condoms 'cause I don't want to get AIDS." But I gotta be honest. I'm sorry. I'd-I'd much rather have AIDS than a baby.

Sorry. AIDS beats baby by this much.

Seriously. People get all upset when they hear that. Think about it. They're not that different, you guys. They're not that different at all. They're both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they're constant reminders of the mistakes you've made, and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What's the difference? What's the difference?

The only difference is you can't go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS.

So AIDS wins by this much. I'm serious. I mean, like, people— At least people— When you have AIDS, people are, like, aware of it and people want to help you. People feel sorry for you. Like, people want to help you out and make other people aware of that when you have AIDS. People don't give a shit when you have kids. No one's just like, "Yeah, man. I'm livin' with kids. Been kids-positive for about five years now. I lost a lot of my friends in the '80s to kids. We're just, uh— We're doin' a kids walk tomorrow and just— (coughs) I'm sorry. One of my kids coughed in my face. I have to leave." Like, no… No one cares.

And it's weird. Like, I remember— Here's— I was babysittin' this kid once, this mean kid. I remember— And— I remember the first time I saw him. I opened the door and there were tears streaming down his face. Tears streaming down his face. But he wasn't crying. He wasn't crying. Just tears. He was givin' me this mean mug, he was like (growls) I was like, "What the fuck is wrong with this kid? What's goin' on with this kid?" I found out later that his parents were very organic and they wouldn't let him have any sugar. They wouldn't let him have any candy. He would— The sweetest thing he was allowed was mints. He was just allowed to have mints. So, he would steal mints by the handful. So, his breath was so fresh… the vapors from his own mouth made his eyes water. Like, he'd be like, "Hello!" (groans) Like— Just— They would just bleed. Wha-wha— It was crazy.

I would take him to the park, right? Washington Square Park. And all the babysitters in New York for some reason are Trinidadian. They're all Trinidadian babysitters. And I would take him to the park and I was the only boy there, you know, I was the only hangin' out. You know, they were cool. You know, we'd trade jerk—chicken recipes and stuff. And he-he was just a mean-spirited kid. Like, he kind of— Like, he watched HBO just a little too early. And was just kind of a mean kid in general. So he would just come through and just— He wanted to get to his slide. So, he just pushed over this little girl. She fell over, and her Trinidadian babysitter comes over and goes, (with Trinidadian accent) "Ayy! You leave that little girl alone." (in normal voice) And he goes, (in high-pitched voice) "Shut up." And she goes, (with Trinidadian accent) "Don't you talk to me like that. I am a grown-up. You will respect me." And he goes, (in high-pitched voice) "Suck my dick!" (in normal voice) And the lady goes— I shit you not. The lady goes, (with Trinidadian accent) "Someone betta get this little niglet away from me."

(in normal voice) And I fell out because I have never heard the word 'niglet' before! I never heard— My brain started— I was like, "'Niglet?!' I haven't heard that one!" It was, like, insane. Like, the first thing that came to my head was, like, the name of a band or something. Like, "Everybody give it up for Bobby Johnson and the Niglets!" And like, three little kids… like, slim-fit suits come out. They sing, like, exclusively Hall & Oates songs.

And I was like, "Niglet?!" I was, like, takin' him home while it's still in my head. I was like, "'Niglet?!' Like-like, is that like the black version of 'Piglet?' Like, 'Niglet?'" One of 'em's just like, "Hey, I'm Niglet!" And, like, Pooh's at the door. He's like, "Oh, come on, man. It's three in the morning. You smell like malt liquor." "Shut up, I'm Niglet!" Like…

And, like, I couldn't— I couldn't even get mad at the slur because there's just somethin' about racism that's funny… when it's tiny, ya know? When it's tiny, it's just hilarious for some reason. Like, if a-if a-if a tiny Klansman ran onstage right now and was like, (in high-pitched voice) "Get off stage, you nigger!" (in normal voice) I'd be like, "Look at the little guy!" Pick him up. Tickle him. (in high-pitched voice) "I'm gonna burn a cross on your lawn!" (in normal voice) I'm like, "Shut up, you little motherfucker." Like… "Get outta here!" (makes punching noise) (in high-pitched voice) "Aw, I mean it!" (in normal voice) Ya know? That'd be hilarious. It'd be like a-like a messed-up Webster. We'd, like-we'd, like-we'd, like, share a split-level house. He's goin' up the stairs with his tiny cross. And he's like, (in high-pitched voice) "Hey, Donald." (in normal voice) "Yeah?" (in high-pitched voice) "I hate you." (in normal voice) "I hate you too, tiny Klansman, I hate you too."