What Do You Do With a B.A. in English? / It Sucks to Be Me

[PRINCETON]
What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college
And plenty of knowledge
Have earned me this useless degree!
I can't pay the bills yet
'Cause I have no skills yet
The world is a big scary place!
But somehow I can't shake
The feeling I might make
A difference to the human race!

[KATE]
Morning Brian!

[BRIAN]
Hi, Kate Monster

[KATE]
How's life?

[BRIAN]
Disappointing

[KATE]
What's the matter?

[BRIAN]
The catering company laid me off

[KATE]
Oh, I'm sorry

[BRIAN]
Me too! I mean, look at me!
I'm 10 years out of college
And I always thought...

[KATE]
What?

[BRIAN]
No, it sounds stupid

[KATE]
Oh, c'mon!

[BRIAN]
When I was little
I thought I would be

[KATE]
What?

[BRIAN]
A big comedian on late-night TV

[KATE]
Oh

[BRIAN]
But now I'm 32 and as you can see
I'm not

[KATE]
Nope

[BRIAN]
Oh well

[KATE]
Mm-mm

[BRIAN]
It sucks to be me!

[KATE]
Noo...

[BRIAN]
It sucks to be me!

[KATE]
No!

[BRIAN]
It sucks to be broke, and unemployed, and turning 33!
It sucks to be me!

[KATE]
You think your life sucks?

[BRIAN]
I think so

[KATE]
Your problems aren't so bad
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart

[BRIAN]
You are

[KATE]
Thanks
I like romantic things like music and art
And as you know I have a gigantic heart
So why don't I have a boyfriend?
FUCK!
It sucks to be me!

[BRIAN]
Me too!

[KATE]
It sucks to be me!

[BRIAN]
It sucks to be me!
It sucks to be Brian

[KATE]
And Kate

[BRIAN]
To not have a job

[KATE]
To not have a date

[BOTH]
It sucks to be me!

[ROD & NICKY enter arguing]

[BRIAN]
Hey Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us?Do you have a second?

[ROD]
Oh, certainly

[KATE]
Whose life sucks more, Brian's or mine?

[ROD & NICKY]
OURS!

[ROD]
We live together

[NICKY]
We're close as people can get

[ROD]
We've been the best of buddies

[NICKY]
Ever since the day we met

[ROD]
So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset! Oh!
Every day is an aggravation

[NICKY]
C'mon, that's an exaggeration

[ROD]
You leave your clothes out
You put your feet on my chair

[NICKY]
Oh yea? You do such anal things like ironing your underwear!

[ROD]
You make that very small apartment we share, a hell!

[NICKY]
So do you, that's why I'm in hell too!

[ROD]
It sucks to be me!

[NICKY]
No it sucks to be me!

[KATE]
It sucks to be me!

[BRIAN]
It sucks to be me!

[ALL]
Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

[Interlude]

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Why you all so happy?

[NICKY]
'Cause our lives suck!

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country for opportunities
Try to work in Korean deli
But I am Japanese!
But with hard work I earned two master's degrees!
In social work
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients!
And I have an unemployed fiancé
And we have lots of bills to pay!
It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it sucka, sucka, sucka, sucka
Sucka, sucka, sucka, sucka, sucka
Sucka, sucka, sucka, suck!
It suck to be me!

[PRINCETON]
Uh excuse me
Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live

[CHRISTMAS EVE]
Why you looking all the way out here?

[PRINCETON]
Well, I started in Avenue A
But so far everything's out of my price range
But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper
Oh and look, a "For Rent" sign!

[BRIAN]
You need to talk to the superintendent
Let me get him

[PRINCETON]
Great! Thanks!

[BRIAN]
Yo, Gary!

[GARY COLEMAN]
I'm coming! I'm coming!

[PRINCETON]
Oh my God, it's Gary Coleman!

[GARY COLEMAN]
Yes I am!
I'm Gary Coleman
From TVs "Different Strokes"
I made a lot of money
That got stolen by my folks!
Now I'm broke, and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes!
But I'm here, the superintendent
On Avenue Q!

[ALL]
It sucks to be you!

[KATE]
You win!

[ALL]
It sucks to be you!

[BRIAN]
I feel better now!

[GARY COLEMAN]
Try having people stopping you to ask you
"Whatch-you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old

[ALL]
It sucks to be you!
On Avenue Q!!
Sucks to be me!
On Avenue Q!
Sucks to be you!
On Avenue Q!
Sucks to be us
But not when we're together!
We're together here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too
Till our dreams come true!
We live on Avenue Q!

[PRINCETON]
This is real life!

[ALL]
We live on Avenue Q!

[NICKY]
You're gonna love it!

[ALL]
We live on Avenue Q!

[GARY COLEMAN]
Here's your keys!

[ALL]
Welcome to Avenue Q!