It Sucks To Be Me

[KATE MONSTER:]
Morning, Brian!

[BRIAN:]
Hi, Kate Monster

[KATE MONSTER:]
How's life?

[BRIAN:]
Disappointing!

[KATE MONSTER:]
What's the matter?

[BRIAN:]
The catering company
Laid me off

[KATE MONSTER:]
Oh, I'm sorry!

[BRIAN:]
Me too! I mean, look at me!
I'm ten years out of college, and I
Always thought

[KATE MONSTER:]
What?

[BRIAN:]
No, it sounds stupid

[KATE MONSTER:]
Aww, come on!

[BRIAN:]
When I was little
I thought I would be

[KATE MONSTER:]
What?

[BRIAN:]
A big comedian
On late night TV
But now I'm thirty-two
And as you can see
I'm not

[KATE MONSTER:]
Nope!

[BRIAN:]
Oh Well
It sucks to be me

[KATE MONSTER:]
Nooo

[BRIAN:]
It sucks to be me

[KATE MONSTER:]
No!

[BRIAN:]
It sucks to be broke
And unemployed
And turning thirty-three
It sucks to be me

[KATE MONSTER:]
Oh, you think your life sucks?

[BRIAN:]
I think so

[KATE MONSTER:]
Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty
And pretty damn smart

[BRIAN:]
You are

[KATE MONSTER:]
Thanks!
I like romantic things
Like music and art
And as you know
I have a gigantic heart
So why don't I have
A boyfriend?
Fuck!
It sucks to be me!

[BRIAN:]
Me too

[KATE MONSTER:]
It sucks to be me

[BRIAN:]
It sucks to be me
It sucks to be Brian

[KATE MONSTER:]
And Kate

[BRIAN:]
To not have a job!

[KATE MONSTER:]
To not have a date!

[BOTH:]
It sucks to be me

(ROD and NICKY enter, arguing)

[BRIAN:]
Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you
Settle something for us?
Do you have a second?

[ROD:]
Ah, certainly

[KATE MONSTER:]
Whose life sucks more?
Brian's or mine?

[NICKY AND ROD:]
Ours!

[ROD:]
We live together

[NICKY:]
We're as close
As people can get

[ROD:]
We've been the best of buddies

[NICKY:]
Ever since the
Day we met

[ROD:]
So he knows lots
Of ways to make me
Really upset
Oh, every day is
An aggravation

[NICKY:]
Come on, that's
An exaggeration!

[ROD:]
You leave your
Clothes out
You put your feet
On my chair

[NICKY:]
Oh yeah?
You do such anal
Things like ironing
Your underwear

[ROD:]
You make that very
Small apartment
We share a hell

[NICKY:]
So do you
That's why I'm in hell too!

[ROD:]
It sucks to be me!

[NICKY:]
No, it sucks to be me!

[KATE MONSTER:]
It sucks to be me!

[BRIAN:]
It sucks to be me!

[ALL:]
Is there anybody here
It doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!

[CHRISTMAS EVE:]
Why you all so happy?

[NICKY:]
Becuase our lives suck!

[CHRISTMAS EVE:]
Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country
For opportunities
Tried to work in
Korean deli
But I am Japanese
But with hard work
I earn two Master's Degrees
In social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients
And I have an
Unemployed fiance'!
And we have lots
Of bills to pay!
It suck to be me!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka
Suck!
It suck to be me!

[PRINCETON:]
Excuse me?

[BRIAN:]
Hey there

[PRINCETON:]
Sorry to bother you, but I'm
Looking for a place to live

[CHRISTMAS EVE:]
Why you looking all
The way out here?

[PRINCETON:]
Well, I started at Avenue A
But so far everything is out
Of my price range. But this
Neighborhood looks a lot cheaper!
Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign!

[BRIAN:]
You need to talk to
The superintendent
Let me get him

[PRINCETON:]
Great, thanks!

[BRIAN:]
Yo, Gary!

[GARY COLEMAN:]
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!

[PRINCETON:]
Oh my God!
It's Gary Coleman!

[GARY COLEMAN:]
Yes I am!
I'm Gary Coleman
From TV's
Diff'rent Strokes
I made a lotta money
That got stolen
By my folks!
Now I'm broke and
I'm the butt
Of everyone's jokes
But I'm here
The Superintendent!
On Avenue Q

[ALL:]
It sucks to be you

[KATE MONSTER:]
You win!

[ALL:]
It sucks to be you

[BRIAN:]
I feel better now!

[GARY COLEMAN:]
Try having people
Stopping you to ask you
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old

[ALL:]
It sucks to be you
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be me)
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be you)
On Avenue Q
(Sucks to be us)
But not when
We're together
We're together
Here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too!
'Til our dreams
Come true
We live on Avenue Q!

[PRINCETON:]
This is real life!

[ALL:]
We live on Avenue Q!

[NICKY:]
You're gonna love it!

[ALL:]
We live on Avenue Q!

[GARY COLEMAN:]
Here's your keys!

[ALL:]
Welcome to Avenue Q!