Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist

[Princeton]
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?

[Kate]
Sure

[Princeton]
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?

[Kate]
Uh huh

[Princeton]
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster

[Kate]
Right

[Princeton]
You're both Monsters

[Kate]
Yeah

[Princeton]
Are you two related?

[Kate]
What? Princeton! I'm surprised at you! I find that racist

[Princeton]
Oh, well, I'm sorry, I was just asking

[Kate]
Well, it's a touchy subject
No, not all monsters are related
What are you trying say, huh? That we all look the same to you?
Huh, huh, huh?

[Princeton]
No, no, no, oh, not at all
I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist

[Kate]
I should say so
You should be much more careful when you're talking about the sensitive subject of race

[Princeton]
Well, look who's talking!

[Kate]
What do you mean?

[Princeton]
What about that special Monster school you told me about?

[Kate]
What about it?

[Princeton]
Well could someone like me go there?

[Kate]
No, we don't want people like you!

[Princeton]
Ha ha ha ha ha, you see? You're a little bit racist

[Kate]
Well, you're a little bit too

[Princeton]
I guess we're both a little bit racist

[Kate]
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do

[Princeton]
But I guess it's true

[Kate]
Between me and you

[Both]
I think everyone's a little bit racist sometimes
Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes
Look around and you will find
No one's really color blind
Maybe it's a fact we all should face
Everyone makes judgments based on race

[Princeton]
No, not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from

[Kate]
No

[Princeton]
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican
Busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!

[Kate]
Right!

[Both]
Everyone's a little bit racist today
So, everyone's a little bit racist, okay
Ethnic jokes might be uncouth
But you laugh because they're based on truth
Don't take them as personal attacks
Everyone enjoys them, so relax!

[Princeton]
All right, stop me if you've heard this one

[Kate]
Okay!

[Princeton]
Alright there's a plane going down, and there's only one parachute, and there's a rabbi, a priest

[Kate]
And a black guy!

[Gary]
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Kate?

[Kate]
Uh....

[Gary]
You were telling a black joke

[Princeton]
Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes

[Gary]
I don't!

[Princeton]
Well, of course you don't—you're black, but I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?

[Gary]
Well, sure I do, those stupid Polacks, ha ha ha

[Princeton]
Now, don't you think that's a little racist?

[Gary]
Well damn, I guess you're right

[Kate]
You're a little bit racist

[Gary]
Well, you're a little bit too

[Princeton]
We're all a little bit racist!

[Gary]
I think that I would have to agree with you

[Kate & Princeton]
We're glad you do

[Gary]
It's sad but true
Everyone's a little bit racist, all right

[Kate]
All right

[Princeton]
All right

[Gary]
All right
Bigotry has never been exclusively white

[All]
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit
Even though we all know that it's wrong
Maybe it would help us get along

[Princeton]
Oh, Christ, do I feel good!

[Gary]
Now there was a fine upstanding black man

[Princeton]
Who?

[Gary]
Jesus Christ

[Kate]
But, Gary, Jesus was white

[Gary]
No, Jesus was black

[Kate]
No, Jesus was white

[Gary]
No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was black

[Princeton]
Guys, guys, Jesus was Jewish

[All]
*laughter*

[Brian]
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

[Gary]
Racism

[Brian]
Cool

[Christmas Eve]
Brian, come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!

[Princeton]
What's that mean?

[Brian]
Um, recyclables

[Kate, Princeton and Gary]
*laughter*

[Brian]
Hey, don't laugh at her
How many languages do you speak?

[Kate]
Oh, come off it, Brian
Everyone's a little bit racist

[Brian]
I'm not!

[Princeton]
Oh no?

[Brian]
Nope!

[Princeton]
Huh

[Brian]
How many Oriental wives have you got?

[Christmas Eve]
What? Brian!

[Princeton]
Brian, buddy, where you been?
The term is Asian-American

[Christmas Eve]
I know you are no intending to be
But calling me Oriental—offensive to me!

[Brian]
I'm sorry, honey, I love you

[Christmas Eve]
And I love you

[Brian]
But you're racist, too

[Christmas Eve]
Yeah, I know

The Jews have all the money
And the whites have all the power
And I'm always in taxi cab
With driver who no shower

[Kate]
Me too

[Princeton and possibly Brian]
Me too

[Gary]
I can't even get a taxi!

[All]
Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true
But everyone is just about as racist as you
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit
And everyone stopped being so PC
Maybe we could live in harmony

[Christmas Eve]
Evlyone's a ritter bit lacist