There’ll Be Someone At My Funeral Who Doesn’t Want To Be There

There'll be someone at my funeral who doesn't wanna be there
Someone checkin' their phone in every speech, yeah
Someone who'd rather be home, than remembering me

There'll be someone for whom my funeral is just an obligation
They'll be visibly bored at the cremation
They've got a 2 hour park, and they're waiting to leave

Like my nephew's girlfriend
They've only been together for a month or so
When I get hit by a bus, and though
He's like "Baby, you don't have to come."
Girlfriend's not dumb, she knows
If she goes, then it shows him
That she's sensitive
So she picks a sexy little dress and it
Is just a bit revealing
And that night they go all the way

There'll be someone at my funeral who didn't even know me
Like the guy up the back, running the AV
And he's busting to piss, it's his third funeral that day

And his boss doesn't know, but he turns up early
Each day and takes a selfie
With the corpse, and sends it to his mates
In a WhatsApp group

And they all take turns
Making up the person's final words
It's actually quite funny, all the stuff they say
In a morbid way
But when it's my body then it's not OK!

There'll be someone at my funeral who didn't even like me
They're just turning up to spite me
They'd know I'd hate that they were there

Hugging my family
Writing in the book and sending sympathy
Telling everybody they were fond of me
Even though they chuckled when they heard that I was dead

And instead of staying 'till the end
They slip out in Amazing Grace
Find the food, and stuff their face
With quiche
Funeral quiche

There'll be quiche at my funeral, but I won't get to eat it
And someone's job will be to heat it
Up in the microwave, right on time
And her name is Sue
She's 58 years old
And if my funeral runs late
Then her quiche goes cold
And Sue don't like that
Yeah, Sue thinks that's rude

She knows that people come for grievin'
But they stay there for her food
She's gonna give my mourners food
That's what Sue's gonna do

As the crowd come out
And The Circle of Life plays loudly on the stereo
And my coffin's loaded slowly into a Toyota

Driven by Damian, who needs to get this done
By quarter to 1
Because he's got a physio appointment

And as I drive away
My friends and family say

"What fantastic
Quiche!

What is the recipe, where was it made?
What yummy quiche!
Sammy J's death was a small price to pay
To eat this quiche!

Three cheers for Sue!
Hip, hip, hooray!"

There'll be someone at my funeral who doesn't wanna be there
And no one more than me

Please enjoy the quiche

[Spoken]
Now there's been a lot of talk in the news, of course, about people wanting to change the date of Australia Day, that comes up fairly regularly. Other people want to change the flag, I myself have a vested interest in actually changing the anthem

Not least because I have written a humble alternative, that I would like to leave you with. So the symphony will now end with the following song. Thank you so much for being here and... see you all in Tuscany