Theme song: opening

(A kitschy orchestration of "Pachelbel's Canon" plays)

[Professor Schickele]
Well, hello, there! Top of the evening to you, and welcome to "The Last Gasp": one final, solid, and shining hour, more or less, of music, info, and good old friendly chit-chat!

[Jocko]
I'm Jocko!

[Blondie]
I'm Blondie!

[Professor Schickele]
And I'm Professor Pete - and you, you lucky devil, you, you are listening to WTWP: Wall-to-Wall Pachelbel!

[Blondie]
That's right, classical music like you like it!

[Jocko]
Not too long, not too loud, not too anything!

[Professor Schickele]
And tonight, we've got a very special treat in store for you here on "The Last Gasp", because today is a very special day. Now, okay, my wise and learned colleagues here, do you know why today is so special?

[Jocko]
Wait a minute, don't tell me - your car started!

(Blondie bursts out laughing)

[Professor Schickele]
No, no, that's not it. Very funny. It did start, as a matter of fact, but that's not what makes today special. What makes today special is that this is the 184th anniversary of the death of P.D.Q. Bach

[Jocko]
The death of P.D.Q. Bach - now that's worth celebrating!

[Blondie]
(laughs)
Yeah, but how could they tell!

[Jocko]
Hope we're talking about a permanent thing here, death-wise - I mean, he wasn't a Hindu or anything, was he?

[Professor Schickele]
So we're gonna be featuring the music of P.D.Q. Bach on the program tonight: we'll be doing a whole slew of pieces by the infamous mini-meister of Wein-am-Rhein

[Jocko]
We'll be piling it on with a shovel!

[Blondie]
But I don't want our regular listeners to be alarmed here - so let's just make one thing perfectly clear

[Jocko]
(imitating Richard Nixon)
So even Checkers can understand it!

[Blondie]
Let's assure everybody out there that this does not mean that WTWP is abandoning its policy of playing the entire works of Johann Pachelbel every week!

[Professor Schickele]
That's right, not to worry: it's only Sunday, and we've already played four of the thirteen Magnificats, both of the Latin motets and all but one of the German ones, three of the toccatas, two of the preludes, all of the fantasias-

[Jocko]
(clears his throat for attention)

[Professor Schickele]
Okay, all right, all of the completed fantasias-

[Jocko]
Thank you!

[Professor Schickele]
-the Mass in D, and half of the Magnificat fugues for organ (we'll be doing the other forty-seven of those first thing on Friday morning). We're in good shape!

[Jocko]
So how's about a little music, already?

[Professor Schickele]
Yeah, how 'bout that!

[Blondie]
It's an idea whose time has come!

[Professor Schickele]
So, let's get things rolling here with a little sextet!

[Jocko]
Ooooooooooooooo!

(Blondie bursts out laughing)

[Professor Schickele]
Hey, you guys, send me a telegram when you grow up

[Blondie]
(mockingly)
Ooh!

[Professor Schickele]
This is a work for brass sextet entited, "Canzon Per Sonar a Sei — Count Them — Sei"

[Jocko]
(in a working-class-Joe accent)
Hey, Prof, you wanna translate that? You know, some of us around here ain't exactly bilingual!

[Professor Schickele]
Some of us around here ain't exactly lingual

(Blondie laughs)

[Professor Schickele]
But for you, Jocko, hey, anything for a friend! In English, that's "Instrumental Piece for Six, Eccoli, Six, Players"

[Blondie]
By P.D.Q. Bach!

[Jocko]
Comin' atcha!

[Professor Schickele]
On WTWP!