Cadenza

[Professor Schickele]
We're in "The Last Gasp" here, and I do believe we've reached the "Cadenza", isn't that right, Blondie?

[Blondie]
That's right, Prof. One of the most popular features of our show, "Cadenza" is where you, our listeners, get to sound off-

[Jocko]
Maybe even show off!

[Blondie]
-about the important musicalogical issues of our day!

[Jocko]
And what is today's important musicalogical issue, Prof?

[Professor Schickele]
Well, Jocko, as you know, the conductor Christopher Hogwash is an ardent proponent of using period instruments when playing music from the past. Recently, he criticized another conductor, Zubin Maytag, for leading a performance of Igor Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring"... using a plastic baton. So, the question is: Is Christopher Hogwash's complaint justified, or are nits being picked here?

[Jocko]
(on the phone)
And here's our first caller! What's your name?

John, is that all, or can't you remember the rest?

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Hey, that's my name, too! No, just kidding, John. Where you from? Beulah, North Dakota

[Professor Schickele]
One of my favorite towns!

[Jocko]
Okay, John, have you managed to scrape together an opinion on this plastic baton issue?

Yeah, well, maybe that's because they're not as stupid as you are

Yeah, I know stupid when I hear it!

Yeah, but- yeah, but were you there? How old are you, John? Forty-two - so you couldn't possibly have been in Paris in 1913 when "The Rite of Spring" was premiered, could you? Or are you maybe a musicologist? Are you a musicologist, John? Do you spend every day reading source materials and everything so you know exactly how it was?

Okay! So where do you get off having an opinion? I mean, what do you know?!

Oh, "beauty"! Now, there's a good word - can you define beauty?

Well, no, I can't, that's the whole point, nobody can define beauty! I can define "vacuum", that's what you have between your ears - but beauty can't be defined, and anybody who got past the second grade knows that!

Hey, John, I don't worry about Stravinsky, he can take care of himself. I worry about you. Like, what I wanna know is, when you get up in the morning, can you look in the mirror without barfing?

No, I'm not. Not one little bit. Why am I not worried about myself? Because for you to look up my address, you'd have to be able to read! Unless you got your mommy to do it for you!

Yeah, well, listen, John, I know where you live, too: it's in the little house your folks don't use anymore since they got plumbing, right?

Okay, John, I'll be here!

(hangs up)

[Blondie]
And I'm here with our next caller, who is... what's your first name, Mrs. Loon? Dorna, nice name. And you're from... New York Mills, Minnesota

[Professor Schickele]
Yuck

[Blondie]
All right, Mrs. Dorna Loon from New York Mills, how do you feel about the plastic baton?

Well, I think so, wait a minute, let me check

(to the others)

Hey, guys, was the handle part real cork?

[Jocko]
Affirmative

[Professor Schickele]
That was my understanding, too

[Blondie]
Yes, Mrs. Loon, the handle part of the baton was real cork

Well, I hope that helps you make up your mind about the issue. Give us a call when you're ready!

(hangs up)

[Professor Schickele]
And Caller Number Threeeeee... has already hung up. Over to you, Jocko

[Jocko]
Okay, Prof: I got some pitiful would-be scholar on the line, here. How 'bout it, big guy? You have a name?

Mr. Grumschtat?

[Professor Schickele]
I knew it!

[Jocko]
No, no, not surprised, Mr. Grumschtat, just... impressed! I mean, I'm impressed that you can get this station in [unknown]

(as Jocko continues talking on the phone)

[Professor Schickele]
Hey, that big ol' clock up on the wall doesn't stop for anyone!

[Blondie]
I think it's high time we got some more music on here!

[Professor Schickele]
And we're talking classical music, the music of P.D.Q. Bach!

(in the background:)

[Jocko]
Well, actually, it was all Blondie's fault...

[Blondie]
Hey, Jocko, thanks a lot!

[Professor Schickele]
(on the air)
Now, I've discovered P.D.Q. Bach manuscripts in some pretty weird places, but this next one was one of the strangest of them all!

[Jocko]
(in the background)
I didn't even know she had the record!

[Professor Schickele]
A few months ago, I checked into a hotel whose safe had just been robbed. The culprits had cleaned out the whole thing, except for some scrumpled-up paper that a bunch of jewelry had been wrapped in - and I asked the manager if I could look at that scrumpled-up paper. And I'll be darned if it didn't turn out to be the manuscript of the work you are about to hear - a work which, because of where I found it, has come to be known as the "Safe Sextet"

[Jocko]
(in the background)
It was only a few minutes!

[Blondie]
(in the background)
Oh, man!

[Professor Schickele]
It's written for six of the... well, sort of forgotten instruments of the orchestra: piccolo, English horn, bass clarinet, contrabassoon, harp, and celesta. And we're going to hear it in a beautiful and faithful performance - hey, how often do you find a celesta player who is willing to hit herself on the head with a tamborine? A top-notch performance, by I Virtuousi di Hoople!

[Blondie]
Comin' straight atcha

[Professor Schickele]
On WTWP!

[Jocko]
(in the background)
You can't fire her, Mr. Grumschtat! She just lost her job at the Dairy Queen, too!