Pledge plea

[Professor Schickele]
Bracing brass sounds by P.D.Q. Bach! Performed by a molto fine group out of Canaan, Connecticut, called the Canaanian Brass

[Jocko]
They give new meaning to the term "overblown."

[Blondie]
Hey, I love brass music!

[Jocko]
That puts hair on your chest, that's for sure!

[Blondie]
Speak for yourself[-]

[Professor Schickele]
Okay, now, we are, as you no doubt know, in the midst of our annual fundraising drive here on WTWP, and we're still $100 short of today's goal of $150 bucks - so, I'm gonna throw a little business proposition your way

[Blondie]
They don't call him J.P. for nothing!

[Professor Schickele]
(agreeably)
Hey! Now, P.D.Q. Bach wrote two pieces for brass sextet-

[Jocko]
Oooooooooooo!

(Blondie laughs)

[Professor Schickele]
Jeez... one of them was the "Canzon" you just heard, and the other is a "Canzonetta" on the flip side of this RCA Red Seal-

[Jocko]
(starts making seal sounds)

[Blondie]
(in a foreign accent)
We have no more use for Communists here!

[Jocko]
(continues making seal sounds)

[Blondie]
And as our seal pulls away from the shore...

[Jocko]
And the sink suns slowly in the West...

[Professor Schickele]
Okay, everybody, seriously, here's the deal: it we get pledges for $100 by ten minutes before the end of this program, we will not play the other P.D.Q. Bach brass piece. In fact, we'll play something by Pachelbel instead! So, let's hear those phones start ringing - 'cause if they don't, we will definitely play that P.D.Q. Bach "Canzonetta" at the end of the show

[Jocko]
"You must listen to the piece!" "I won't listen to the piece!"

(Blondie starts laughing)

[Jocko]
"You must listen to the piece!" "I won't listen to the piece!" "I'll listen to the piece!" "My hero!" "Curses, foiled again!"

[Professor Schickele]
All right, Jocko, put that napkin down!

[Blondie]
(still laughing) Did you see- how he [did] the villain's-

[Professor Schickele]
(trying to calm things down) Yeah...

[Blondie]
-mustache-

[Jocko]
Thank you

[Blondie]
-and the heroine's-

[Professor Schickele]
Yeah...

[Blondie]
-hair ribbon-

[Jocko]
Thank you

[Blondie]
-and the hero's bowtie!

[Professor Schickele]
(trying to calm things down)
Yeah, yeah - yeah, very funny, that's really a great radio bit, Jocko!

[Jocko]
I always said I should be on TV

[Professor Schickele]
Yeah, you should be on R&R

Let's see if we can extricate ourselves from summer camp here by moving on to the next work in our celebration of P.D.Q. Bach's death: the "Four Folk Song Upsettings" for mezzanine-soprano, devious instruments, and piano

[Jocko]
Devious instruments?

[Blondie]
(in a sophisticated manner) Yes, pray tell, what might these devious instruments be?

[Professor Schickele]
Well, in the first song, "Little Bunny Hop Hop Hop", we'll be hearing the schlagenfrappe

[Jocko]
Ah, of course, the schlagenfrappe...

[Blondie]
What the heck is the schlafengroppy?

[Professor Schickele]
Uh, "schlagenfrappe."

[Blondie]
Ah

[Professor Schickele]
It's just a set of tuned cardboard tubes, and you hit yourself on the head with them!

[Blondie]
Oh, that should sound real good with you, Prof!

[Jocko]
We're talking resonance on resonance here!

(Blondie laughs)

[Professor Schickele]
Hey, listen, Jocko, you couldn't even play this instrument: the tubes would get stuck on the point!

[Jocko]
(makes pained "I've been hit!" noise)

[Blondie]
Oh, touché!!

[Professor Schickele]
Okay, and in the second song, "Oft of An E’en Ere Night is Nigh," we'll hear the ocarina

[Jocko]
Your standard concert sweet potato!

[Profesor Schickele]
Right. Then the next one, "He Came From Over Yonder Ridge," uses a really strange instrument, the tuba mirum

[Blondie]
Sounds like we're back in Latin I

[Jocko]
What does "tuba mirum" mean?

[Professor Schickele]
It's Latin for "a mere tube."

[Jocko]
I knew that!

[Professor Schickele]
And it consists of a flexible tube with wine in it: you hold the tube in a U-shape, blow across one end, and move the other end up and down to change the pitch

[Blondie]
Coordination

[Jocko]
(in an innocent voice)
Hey, Prof, I can walk and chew gum at the same time! Could I play the tuba mirum??

[Blondie]
In your dreams

[Professor Schickele]
It's actually harder than it looks

[Jocko]
That's what she said!

[Blondie]
Can it, Jocko!

[Jocko]
I stand canned

[Professor Schickele]
And the last song, "Farmer on the Dole", features what has got to be one of the simplest instrument ever created, the pastaphone

[Blondie]
Mmm-mmm!

[Jocko]
Mamma mia!

[Professor Schickele]
I feel extremely safe in saying that P.D.Q. Bach was the only composer who ever wrote music to be played on two pieces of uncooked manicotti

[Jocko]
Hey, Manny Cotti, I remember him! He was the head of the Viola de Gambino family!

[Professor Schickele]
That's it, guys, we can't put it off any longer: time to unleash the "Four Folk Song Upsettings" on our loyal-

[Jocko]
-and long-suffering-

[Professor Schickele]
-listeners. The perpetrators-

[Blondie]
You got that right!

[Professor Schickele]
-are mezzanine-soprano Dana Krueger, pianist Peter Lurye - and playing the devious instruments... well, modesty forbids

[Jocko]
There he goes, taking the fifth again