The Lodger

(Spoken intro)
This next song.... is dirty.

My landlady had three lovely daughters
They used to come and make my bed each day
They used to come and clean my living quarters
But their mother made quite sure they didn't stay
There was Mary, she seemed chary
There was Helen, she seemed well and truly sceptical about my qualities
There was Julie, she was truly well-proportioned, but her caution
Brought exhaustion on my aching arteries

But I was wrong, they weren't at all impervious
To the possibilities of high romance
And I sensed a certain girlish nerviness
In the way they folded my pyjama pants
And I was right, for late one night
Sweet little Mary, like a fairy
As I lay sleeping, came a-creeping to my side
And she was mine, it was divine, but we were doomed, for very soon
Into the room came sister Helen, and she cried

"Mary go to bed"
Off Mary went
"Now, young man," Helen said, "for your punishment
We mustn't have a fight, we mustn't make a row
Turn off the light - it's my turn now"

Well, after all, I'm young and relatively vigorous
Although I still protest my innocence
By temperament I'm strictly un-polygamous
So if I sinned, I sinned in self-defence
Nevertheless I must confess I wouldn't miss that sort of bliss
And when it ended I was rendered comatose
Then loud and clear, and very near, in my ear a loud voice spoke
And I was awoken from my post-coital doze

"Helen go to bed"
Helen went away
"Now, young man," Julie said, "you will have to pay
You've blighted Helen's charms, filched her purity
Open up your arms - come and filch me"

I was amazed, and really rather tired
I thought I'd given all that I could give
A little kip was all that I desired
But I'm British so my upper lip was stiff
She was chaotic, idiotic, quite exotic and ecstatic
Acrobatic and emphatically fine
All to no good, for when I could open my eyes, to my surprise
I found her mother looking into mine

"Julie, go to bed"
Julie left the scene
"Now listen Ma," I said, "I know the old routine
I'll do what you like, but I shall be vexed
And I'll bloody well go on strike if Grandma's next"