Leopold Alcox

Leopold Alcox, my distant relation
Came to my flat for a brief visitation
He's been here since February, damn and blast him
My nerves and my furniture may not outlast him

Leopold Alcox is accident-prone
He's lost my bath-plug, he's ruptured my telephone
My antirrhinums, my motorbike, my sofa
There isn't anything he can't trip over

As he roams through my rooms, all my pussycats scatter
My statuettes tremble, then plummet, then shatter
My table-lamps tumble with grim regularity
My cut glass has crumbled, and so has my charity

Leopold Alcox, an uncanny creature
He can't take tea without some misadventure
He looks up from his tea cup with a smirk on his features
And a slice of my porcelain between his dentures

He's upset my goldfish, he's jinxed my wisteria
My budgie's gone broody, my tortoise has hysteria
He cleans my teapots, my saucepans, with Brasso
And leaves chocolate fingerprints on my Picasso

Leopold Alcox, never known to fail
Working his way through my frail Chippendales
One blow from his thighs, which are fearsomely strong
Would easily fracture the wing of a swan

I brought home my bird for some Turkish moussaka
Up looms old Leopold, I know when I'm knackered
He spills the vino, the great eager beaver
Drenching her jumpsuit and my joie de vivre

Leopold Alcox, stirring my spleen
You are the grit in my life's Vaseline
A pox on you Alcox. you've been here since February
Go home and leave me alone with my debris

So Leopold Alcox, my distant relation
Has gone away home after his visitation
I glimpsed him waving bye-bye this last minute
Waving his hand with my doorknob still in it