The Devil’s Dictionary (Chap. 5)

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

"I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before."

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.

&nbspA lady with one of her ears applied
&nbspTo an open keyhole heard, inside,
&nbspTwo female gossips in converse free—
&nbspThe subject engaging them was she.
&nbsp"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks
&nbspThat she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
&nbspAs soon as no more of it she could hear
&nbspThe lady, indignant, removed her ear.
&nbsp"I will not stay," she said, with a pout,
&nbsp"To hear my character lied about!"

Gopete Sherany

ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.

&nbspO, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
&nbspA gilded impostor is he.
&nbspOf shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
&nbspHis crown is brass,
&nbspHimself an ass,
&nbspAnd his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
&nbspPrankily, crankily prating of naught,
&nbspSilly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
&nbspPublic opinion's camp-follower he,
&nbspThundering, blundering, plundering free.
&nbspAffected,
&nbspUngracious,
&nbspSuspected,
&nbspMendacious,
&nbspRespected contemporaree!
&nbspJ.H. Bumbleshook

EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other—which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a dog.

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

&nbspMegaceph, chosen to serve the State
&nbspIn the halls of legislative debate,
&nbspOne day with all his credentials came
&nbspTo the capitol's door and announced his name.
&nbspThe doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
&nbspOf the face, at the eminent egotist,
&nbspAnd said: "Go away, for we settle here
&nbspAll manner of questions, knotty and queer,
&nbspAnd we cannot have, when the speaker demands
&nbspTo be told how every member stands,
&nbspA man who to all things under the sky
&nbspAssents by eternally voting 'I'."

EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty.

ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of another man's choice.

ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the following touching account of his life and services to science:

&nbsp"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This
&nbspillustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the
&nbspworld, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages,
&nbspof whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."

&nbspElectricity seems destined to play a most important part in the
&nbsparts and industries. The question of its economical application to
&nbspsome purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved
&nbspthat it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more
&nbsplight than a horse.

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins somewhat like this:

&nbspThe cur foretells the knell of parting day;
&nbspThe loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
&nbspThe wise man homeward plods; I only stay
&nbspTo fiddle-faddle in a minor key.

ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.

ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians—may their souls be happy in Heaven!

EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself.

&nbspHe was a slave: at word he went and came;
&nbspHis iron collar cut him to the bone.
&nbspThen Liberty erased his owner's name,
&nbspTightened the rivets and inscribed his own.

G.J.

EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutoeus maximus.

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar.

END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the Interlocutor.

&nbspThe man was perishing apace
&nbspWho played the tambourine;
&nbspThe seal of death was on his face—
&nbsp'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.

&nbsp"This is the end," the sick man said
&nbspIn faint and failing tones.
&nbspA moment later he was dead,
&nbspAnd Tambourine was Bones.

Tinley Roquot

ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it.

&nbspEnough is as good as a feast—for that matter
&nbspEnougher's as good as a feast for the platter.

Arbely C. Strunk

ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.

ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse, which carried him off—to Missolonghi.

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy—that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give promotion.

EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from the senses.

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:

&nbspWe know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To
&nbspserve oneself is economy of administration.

&nbspIn each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a
&nbspnightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal
&nbspactivity.

&nbspThere are three sexes; males, females and girls.

&nbspBeauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this:
&nbspthey seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.
&nbspWomen in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be
&nbspashamed of.

&nbspWhile your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands
&nbspyou are safe, for you can watch both his.

EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:

&nbspHere lie the bones of Parson Platt,
&nbspWise, pious, humble and all that,
&nbspWho showed us life as all should live it;
&nbspLet that be said—and God forgive it!

ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

&nbspSo wide his erudition's mighty span,
&nbspHe knew Creation's origin and plan
&nbspAnd only came by accident to grief—
&nbspHe thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.

Romach Pute

ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philosophies were of two kinds,—exoteric, those that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and esoteric, those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time.

ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.

EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi.
A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as
to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred
thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.

EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of Worcester, entitled, A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation.

&nbspHail, high Excess—especially in wine,
&nbspTo thee in worship do I bend the knee
&nbspWho preach abstemiousness unto me—
&nbspMy skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine.
&nbspPrecept on precept, aye, and line on line,
&nbspCould ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
&nbspWith reason as thy touch, exact and free,
&nbspUpon my forehead and along my spine.
&nbspAt thy command eschewing pleasure's cup,
&nbspWith the hot grape I warm no more my wit;
&nbspWhen on thy stool of penitence I sit
&nbspI'm quite converted, for I can't get up.
&nbspUngrateful he who afterward would falter
&nbspTo make new sacrifices at thine altar!

EXCOMMUNICATION, n.

&nbspThis "excommunication" is a word
&nbspIn speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
&nbspAnd means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
&nbspSome sinner whose opinions are a scandal—
&nbspA rite permitting Satan to enslave him
&nbspForever, and forbidding Christ to save him.

Gat Huckle

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished—Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:

LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes
directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be
known whether it is constitutional?

TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the
Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many
years somebody objects to its operation against himself—I
mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to
execute it at once.

LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative.
Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances
that they enforce?

TERRESTRIAN: Not yet—at least not in their character of
constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the
approval of those whom they are intended to restrain.

LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by
the murderer.

TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so
consistent.

LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial
machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they
have long been executed, and then only when brought before the
court by some private person—does it not cause great
confusion?

TERRESTRIAN: It does.

LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being
executed, be validated, not by the signature of your
President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court?

TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course.

LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that?

TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three
volumes each. So how can any one know?

EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:

&nbspAug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly
&nbspreceived. War with the whole world!

EXISTENCE, n.

&nbspA transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
&nbspWherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
&nbspFrom which we're wakened by a friendly nudge
&nbspOf our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"

EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

&nbspTo one who, journeying through night and fog,
&nbspIs mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
&nbspExperience, like the rising of the dawn,
&nbspReveals the path that he should not have gone.

Joel Frad Bink

EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.

EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.