The Devil’s Dictionary (Chap. 1)

ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication
Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
To History she'll be no royal riddle—
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

G.J.

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ABRACADABRA.

&nbspBy Abracadabra we signify
&nbsp       &nbspAn infinite number of things.
&nbsp'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
&nbspAnd Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby
&nbsp       &nbspThe Truth (with the comfort it brings)
&nbspIs open to all who grope in night,
&nbspCrying for Wisdom's holy light.

&nbspWhether the word is a verb or a noun
&nbsp       &nbspIs knowledge beyond my reach.
&nbspI only know that 'tis handed down.
&nbsp       &nbspFrom sage to sage,
&nbsp       &nbspFrom age to age—
&nbspAn immortal part of speech!

&nbspOf an ancient man the tale is told
&nbspThat he lived to be ten centuries old,
&nbsp       &nbspIn a cave on a mountain side.
&nbsp        &nbsp (True, he finally died.)
&nbspThe fame of his wisdom filled the land,
&nbspFor his head was bald, and you'll understand
&nbsp       &nbspHis beard was long and white
&nbsp       &nbspAnd his eyes uncommonly bright.

&nbspPhilosophers gathered from far and near
&nbspTo sit at his feet and hear and hear,
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspThough he never was heard
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspTo utter a word
&nbsp       &nbspBut "Abracadabra, abracadab,
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspAbracada, abracad,
&nbsp       &nbspAbraca, abrac, abra, ab!"
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbsp'Twas all he had,
&nbsp'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
&nbspMade copious notes of the mystical speech,
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspWhich they published next—
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspA trickle of text
&nbspIn the meadow of commentary.
&nbsp       &nbspMighty big books were these,
&nbsp       &nbspIn a number, as leaves of trees;
&nbspIn learning, remarkably—very!

&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspHe's dead,
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspAs I said,
&nbspAnd the books of the sages have perished,
&nbspBut his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
&nbspIn Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
&nbspLike an ancient bell that forever swings.
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspO, I love to hear
&nbsp       &nbsp       &nbspThat word make clear
&nbspHumanity's General Sense of Things.

Jamrach Holobom

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

&nbsp       &nbspWhen in the course of human events it becomes necessary for
&nbsppeople to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of
&nbspmankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
&nbspthem to the separation.

Oliver Cromwell

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption."

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.

&nbspSpring beckons! All things to the call respond;
&nbspThe trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Phela Orm

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another.

&nbspTo men a man is but a mind. Who cares
&nbspWhat face he carries or what form he wears?
&nbspBut woman's body is the woman. O,
&nbspStay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
&nbspBut heed the warning words the sage hath said:
&nbspA woman absent is a woman dead.

Jogo Tyree

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

&nbspSaid a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought
&nbsp       &nbspYou a total abstainer, my son."
&nbsp"So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught—
&nbsp       &nbsp"But not, sir, a bigoted one."

G.J.

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and compl
icity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.
ACCORD, n. Harmony.

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

&nbsp"My accountability, bear in mind,"
&nbsp       &nbspSaid the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"
&nbspSaid the Shah: "I do—'tis the only kind
&nbsp       &nbspOf ability you possess."

Joram Tate

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking.

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.

&nbspConsigned by way of admonition,
&nbspHis soul forever to perdition.

Judibras

ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.

&nbsp"The man was in such deep distress,"
&nbspSaid Tom, "that I could do no less
&nbspThan give him good advice." Said Jim:
&nbsp"If less could have been done for him
&nbspI know you well enough, my son,
&nbspTo know that's what you would have done."
&nbspJebel Jocordy

AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors —to dislodge the worms.

&nbspAIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.
&nbsp"Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"
&nbspShe tenderly inquired.
&nbsp"An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;
&nbspThe fact is—I have fired."

G.J.

AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

&nbspAllah's good laws I faithfully have kept,
&nbspAnd ever for the sins of man have wept;
&nbsp       &nbspAnd sometimes kneeling in the temple I
&nbspHave reverently crossed my hands and slept.

Junker Barlow

ALLEGIANCE, n.

&nbspThis thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
&nbspIs a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
&nbspWhereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
&nbspTo smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.

G.J.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian.

ALONE, adj. In bad company.

&nbspIn contact, lo! the flint and steel,
&nbspBy spark and flame, the thought reveal
&nbspThat he the metal, she the stone,
&nbspHad cherished secretly alone.

Booley Fito

ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool.

&nbspThey stood before the altar and supplied
&nbspThe fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
&nbspIn vain the sacrifice!—no god will claim
&nbspAn offering burnt with an unholy flame.

M.P. Nopput

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.

Judibras

ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.

&nbspThe flabby wine-skin of his brain
&nbspYields to some pathologic strain,
&nbspAnd voids from its unstored abysm
&nbspThe driblet of an aphorism.
&nbsp"The Mad Philosopher," 1697

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider.

&nbspWhen Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
&nbspAnd Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
&nbspThat friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
&nbspDisease for the apothecary's health,
&nbspWhose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
&nbsp"My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"

G.J.

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

&nbspIf I were a jolly archbishop,
&nbspOn Fridays I'd eat all the fish up—
&nbspSalmon and flounders and smelts;
&nbspOn other days everything else.

Jodo Rem

ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.

ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts—guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

The Unauthorized Version

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

&nbsp"Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"
&nbspConsenting, he did speak up;
&nbsp"'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
&nbspThan put it in my teacup."

Joel Huck

ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.

&nbspOne day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—
&nbspShifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
&nbspAnd said it was a god's name! Straight arose
&nbspFantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
&nbspAnd mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
&nbspAnd disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
&nbspTo serve his temple and maintain the fires,
&nbspExpound the law, manipulate the wires.
&nbspAmazed, the populace that rites attend,
&nbspBelieve whate'er they cannot comprehend,
&nbspAnd, inly edified to learn that two
&nbspHalf-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
&nbspHave sweeter values and a grace more fit
&nbspThan Nature's hairs that never have been split,
&nbspBring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
&nbspAnd sell their garments to support the priests.

ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.

&nbsp"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;
&nbsp"Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"
&nbspGreat co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:
&nbspGod made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"

G.J.

AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.

Facilis descensus Averni,
The poet remarks; and the sense
Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
Will get more of punches than pence.

Jehal Dai Lupe